So I had a long and agonizingly boring weekend. But yes, it was all my own fault. I should have just dismissed all the talk about storms and showers and whatnot and I should have just gone to Kansas City like I had planned. Instead, like a good little girl, I listened to my parents and chose not to make that long three hour drive to visit with my best friend.
I'm a horrible person. I made plans, I got all excited, my best friend got all excited, but as soon as Mom and Dad said, "You should reschedule because of the storm," I unhesitatingly said, "Yea, you guys are probably right."
And then what happened? Wichita was a very nice, peaceful and sunny weekend. Granted, apparently Kansas City was storming up like crazy, I don't think I would have hit any bad weather on my drive.
I'm so stupid that I amaze myself.
And so, out of spite, which no one seemed to pick up, I just moped around and stayed in my room all weekend-- just like an emo high school teenager who just got grounded by her parents.
OH. MY. GOD.
What the heck am I? I'm not a teenager anymore; I'm a grown adult who can make decisions on my own and will suffer the consequences of driving in a storm for three hours to visit my best friend.
What the hell was I thinking anyway?
I feel so embarrassed just thinking about it that I've been berating myself ever since the weekend ended and I realized that we actually had quite good weather. And my parents walked around talking about how business at work had been slow lately, probably because people were going out of town or something.
What the hell?!!
But I did it. It was all my own fault and my own doing. I should have just stuck with the plans and told Mom and Dad that everything would be just fine and I would make it there and back in one piece.
My days have been melancholic as thus.
Because no matter what it is that's going on, I have a feeling that my parents are more against me going out and having fun than they are with my brothers. I've been sitting around at home every evening and my days consist of waiting for work and then waiting for sleep. I try to help out around the house with chores and all, but that really doesn't make my day go by any faster.
And then when I decide to make plans for myself, I suddenly get this weird feeling that neither of my parents are very supportive of my actually having a social life outside of home and work. It's like, they think I shouldn't be out having fun and should be home doing chores like making dinner, doing laundry or cleaning house.
That's how I felt when I told my parents that I was going to Kansas City to visit my best friend for a few days.
"Oh... you're going to Kansas City?"
And that's the last I heard of them saying anything about it and they then kept forgetting that I had made plans to do as much for the weekend. And then when that supposed "storm" was coming into Wichita, they very gleefully told me that I needed to stay home because of the weather, "suggesting" that I reschedule for another weekend. And of course, no one, not even me, considered that the storm was coming into Wichita and not Kansas City and that the drive there would probably be just fine and nice.
I'm stupid. I know. I need to learn how to think things over.
So I disappointed my best friend and disappointed myself. And I even told my boss that I could not work that weekend because I would be out of town.
***
Trudging around the house looking like a lost soul doesn't help my case either. It's really funny how as soon as my brother looks like he's not going out and being bored at home, Mom immediately worries about him and tells me to hang out with him more and blah, blah, blah... But I've been moping around the house for months since my best friend left the city for her new job. But there has been no word about my being bored and lifeless and needing some companionship.
Mom just simply asks: "What's wrong with you?" Or something to that extent in Chinese. And when I shrug my shoulders and say that I have nothing to do, she replies with, "Well, staying home and not going out means that you spend less money."
And our conversation ends there.
And Dad's even more direct with his response to my boredom: "You can help clean house and make dinner and learn how to cook better."
I feel like I've lost my will to live a full and exciting life now. My goal is to survive my family for the rest of my life. How sad is that?
Anyway...
With this ranting gone and done, I still feel no satisfaction, but at least I know why I've been so bored lately. My parents encourage my brothers to go out and make friends. They then turn around and encourage me to stop going out because it would involve spending money.
I guess they've forgotten that, even whenever I go out, I have never spent more money than any of my brothers. I have a savings account and I have a car paid off earlier than planned. And while I ended up not going to Kansas City, I still ended up buying a few games online with a simple click of a PayPal button. I think I spent more money holing myself up at home than I would have had I gone to Kansas City.
PayPal is a very dangerous easy shopper concept...
***
In other news, my motivation to continue writing has come to a halt, but my desire to continue writing is still hanging like a haunting ghost. I've tried what I can to get things rolling, but instead of working on things that are in progress, I'm brainstorming new material for newer plots.
It's a shame I can't just come up with a plot, snap my fingers and get the story to write itself. Not to brag or anything, but I think I'm rather good at coming up with characters and back story and story plots. It's the writing process that's getting me where it hurts the most.
***
Oh yes, and a new blog layout. I thought it was time for a change.
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