I had posted a few days ago from a work computer during my "break time". But I hadn't checked that post because I can't view my own blog from any work computer. It's filed as "Entertainment" and so has been denied. Somehow, I can still get onto the "backstage" part of my blogger page and post something.
Weird...
So it seems that this year, blogging had not been my priority. I note that there are probably seven days in the entire year that I got onto my computer and said, "Hey, there's something I want to write down an share with random people on the internet who may or may not care." Including this one, it'll be the eighth and probably the only other one for this year of 2010.
Maybe my New Years resolution should be to try blogging more often...
Yeah, right.
We all know that I don't make New Year's resolutions because the likelihood of follow-up is a very low percentage and that would only make me feel more pathetic and guilty in my already feeble life. New Year's resolutions are not my way of life anyway. If there's something pressing that I want to get accomplished, I don't need to wait until the new year to make my resolve.
My mindset will be stationed at: "Well, I have all year..." And the next thing you know, the matter will be set aside and by the time I come across it again, it'll be December and so I'll probably put it off for the next year. "I will definitely get this done after the new year starts..."
To be totally honest, I'm not sure what has been keeping me from blogging.
At the beginning of the year, I was buried in study guides, student clinical rotations, exams and stress. After all of that was finished and done, I think I pretty much just lost motivation to write about anything else. A couple posts here and there about something interesting that had happened, or something that was bugging me were written, but I can't really say that I've dedicated more time to blogging now that I have more time.
As previous posts have mentioned, life holds no more excitement for me now that I've accomplished the biggest thing I need to accomplish. I finished school, I got a job. Now I sit at home everyday when I'm not at work and I really don't have the motivation to go anywhere even if I'm invited.
The past week has been the most I've left the house for reasons other than work since one of my closest friends left the state to pursue her own future and new life.
But anyway, let's not dwell on my lamentable lifestyle-- it'll only make me and everyone else more irritated.
***
The holidays are coming to an end after this week and tomorrow for the last day of 2010, I will be working at the good old hotel where dinner parties are taking place become someone wants to get married on New Year's Eve. While I understand that a lot of people have their weddings on holidays for reasons of remembering their wedding date, or just because they want to (maybe it's special to them somehow), I really think it's kind of tacky. But then again, I've never been in a serious relationship and a wedding is not in my future, so maybe getting married on a holiday is meaningful in one way or another for some.
But that only means that a crew of people will be working on a night that they would rather be somewhere else.
There are lots of nights that I would rather be somewhere else but at work, but that's only because I'm lazy. I will work no matter what because it means more hours and more money and something to do, however, because I currently have no outstanding social life to brag about. It's all good for me and my bank account.
In other news, I am currently trying my hand at piano. I've been slacking off however, because no matter how much I want to learn, I think there's this mental barrier keeping me from fully committing to playing just because my brother is already pretty good at it and the keyboard is in his general area of the house. I feel like I don't want to do the same things that my brothers do... Maybe I should pick up some other type of talent.
***
Anyway, this post has been more or less insignificant because I've dragged on about nothing in particular. Hopefully the new year holds more significance.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Happy Holidays... or something to that extent...
It's about three hours into Christmas Day and I’m running third shift lab like a zombie. Life is freezing cold and even hot chocolate does not help. So it’s a good thing that I’ve layered up with excess undershirts and whatnot.
Can we remember what it was like in the past when we actually looked forward to the Christmas season? Well, if everyone else can, then obviously I’m of the 5% who doesn't.
I can honestly say that in the past during my teenage years or childhood, there must have been a time when I was always jumping for joy because of the holidays. The idea of a white, snowy Christmas with holiday music, hot chocolate, yummy cookies and cakes, and a nice big scrumptious Christmas dinner consisting of Mom and Dad’s best fixings would always perk up my excitement by multitudes. Christmas was always something to look forward to for reasons that only childhood me could have ever understood.
This year for Christmas, I looked forward to two things: 1) one of my best friends coming back into town and 2) double pay for a worked holiday.
I feel I’ve lost my compassion for the joys of life that eight year old Ani must have enjoyed with all the vigor and energy that she could muster up. The Ani of today has absolutely no energy reserve to even consider getting excited over Christmas candies, cookies, cakes and dinner. Long ago, I lost interest in decorating or sending everyone I knew Christmas cards. If I remember correctly, the last time I even put a Christmas card in someone’s box was back in high school. The last time that I tried to surprise someone with a Christmas gift wrapped up all pretty was sometime in high school as well.
After high school, I got caught up in college and work and simply decided not to go through the trouble of sending cards or wrapping presents. My two closest friends receive gifts of their choosing, unwrapped, I receive gifts from them of my choosing, also unwrapped, we have dinner together and then Christmas is done and over with.
Oh yes, and then there are those work-related parties that I get invited to that I usually don’t attend, as well as the family dinner that sometimes doesn’t happen.
Have I really lost my sense of excitement?
I’ve always been someone who can be easily amused by the little things in life. In fact, I preach the necessity to be able to enjoy simplicity to its fullest, because if you can’t, then the big things that happen just don’t seem as great. But the holidays have become just another chaotic duration of time in which people spend money, eat lots of food and get fairly impatient because everyone else is doing the exact same thing at the exact same time and thus no one is getting immediate service like they think they should be getting.
I swear that around Christmas and Thanksgiving is when I typically see the angriest shoppers in history. People are cutting in line, people are arguing with clerks, and people are shoving each other around. Gifts are bought before Christmas and given away and then two days later everything is returned in the same typical manner as the way they were bought; with lots of shoving and yelling.
Can you see why the holidays may seem a bit depressing from an outsider’s standpoint?
On top of that, holiday bars are the worst to work since everyone’s already spent all their money on gifts and decorations and food and other goodies. And so no one is willing to tip and you leave the bar with a handful of dollars, probably not even enough to pay for the gas that you had to spend getting to work in the first place. Boy am I glad I have a nicer job aside from bartending.
Anyway, for those of you still able to enjoy the lovely Christmas cheer, have a good one and Happy Holidays.
Can we remember what it was like in the past when we actually looked forward to the Christmas season? Well, if everyone else can, then obviously I’m of the 5% who doesn't.
I can honestly say that in the past during my teenage years or childhood, there must have been a time when I was always jumping for joy because of the holidays. The idea of a white, snowy Christmas with holiday music, hot chocolate, yummy cookies and cakes, and a nice big scrumptious Christmas dinner consisting of Mom and Dad’s best fixings would always perk up my excitement by multitudes. Christmas was always something to look forward to for reasons that only childhood me could have ever understood.
This year for Christmas, I looked forward to two things: 1) one of my best friends coming back into town and 2) double pay for a worked holiday.
I feel I’ve lost my compassion for the joys of life that eight year old Ani must have enjoyed with all the vigor and energy that she could muster up. The Ani of today has absolutely no energy reserve to even consider getting excited over Christmas candies, cookies, cakes and dinner. Long ago, I lost interest in decorating or sending everyone I knew Christmas cards. If I remember correctly, the last time I even put a Christmas card in someone’s box was back in high school. The last time that I tried to surprise someone with a Christmas gift wrapped up all pretty was sometime in high school as well.
After high school, I got caught up in college and work and simply decided not to go through the trouble of sending cards or wrapping presents. My two closest friends receive gifts of their choosing, unwrapped, I receive gifts from them of my choosing, also unwrapped, we have dinner together and then Christmas is done and over with.
Oh yes, and then there are those work-related parties that I get invited to that I usually don’t attend, as well as the family dinner that sometimes doesn’t happen.
Have I really lost my sense of excitement?
I’ve always been someone who can be easily amused by the little things in life. In fact, I preach the necessity to be able to enjoy simplicity to its fullest, because if you can’t, then the big things that happen just don’t seem as great. But the holidays have become just another chaotic duration of time in which people spend money, eat lots of food and get fairly impatient because everyone else is doing the exact same thing at the exact same time and thus no one is getting immediate service like they think they should be getting.
I swear that around Christmas and Thanksgiving is when I typically see the angriest shoppers in history. People are cutting in line, people are arguing with clerks, and people are shoving each other around. Gifts are bought before Christmas and given away and then two days later everything is returned in the same typical manner as the way they were bought; with lots of shoving and yelling.
Can you see why the holidays may seem a bit depressing from an outsider’s standpoint?
On top of that, holiday bars are the worst to work since everyone’s already spent all their money on gifts and decorations and food and other goodies. And so no one is willing to tip and you leave the bar with a handful of dollars, probably not even enough to pay for the gas that you had to spend getting to work in the first place. Boy am I glad I have a nicer job aside from bartending.
Anyway, for those of you still able to enjoy the lovely Christmas cheer, have a good one and Happy Holidays.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Where do we go from here?
So life has been quite hectic these past few months. Between finishing up school, getting a job and studying all the time, it felt like I had absolutely no time to do anything else. When I wasn't at home, I was at the hospital attending clinical rotations and learning about how a laboratory functioned. When I was at home, I would be sitting at my desk reading textbooks, reviewing notes, answering study guide questions, and trying very hard not to let my mind wander.
But even with such a hectic schedule, I had things to look forward to all the time. I dreaded my next exam; I longed for the day that clinical rotations would come to an end; I bided my time until the Board of Registry exam came around. Each week was a week closer to finishing up my short-term career goal. Each day I looked forward to going home so I could sit and study. Every other Friday, I looked forward to taking my exams and getting them over with so that I had an excuse to relax over the weekend.
But then when school finally finished and work began, it somehow felt like everything slowed to a near stop. Each day is another day for going to work and training for weeks until I will be ready officially begin my position without direct supervision. The end of training and the beginning of my offical position is the next big thing that I am anticipating.
But then what do I look forward to after that?
I'm not saying that I'm not happy with school being over-- in fact, I'm ecstatic that I don't have to worry about studying non-stop every single day. I'm glad that I've accomplished everything necessary to jump start my career. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss being a student and going to classes regularly. After all, I was in school for so long that it feels only natural to be in a classroom.
Call me a nerd: if money weren't an issue, I wouldn't mind going to classes and learning all sorts of different things. (In fact, I may even think about picking up some random recreational classes around town to learn something new.)
But the fact of the matter is, I feel like I've got nothing else to look forward to except for the next day wherein I continue to go to work in the morning and then come home and sit at my computer, looking for something to keep me entertained.
Maybe I'm just suffering from some form of best friend withdrawal since one of my closest friends just recently left home to establish a new life in a different city, far, far away. The feeling isn't too different right now, as I rarely see any of my closest friends anyway; but I'm sure that melancholy is going to catch up to me when one day in the next few weeks, I feel like going out to eat and my usual dinner buddy is in a different state.
Yea... I lead a rather pathetic life. I'm a hermit who never leaves the house. The only times I ever bother going anywhere is if I'm invited out to some sort of get together or if my friend calls and asks if I'd like to have dinner somewhere. Otherwise, I'm not the type to plan anything. Of course, every so often, I might be the one who calls to see what people are doing. But then, otherwise, I just sit at home and spend the evening being lazy.
My other best friend, I never get to see regularly at all. Other close friends have other close friends. Life feels so monotonous suddenly. And I know I shouldn't be complaining; after all, I'm the one who chooses not to get up and go out and do something. I'm the one who chooses to sit at home all evening staring at television series or movies. I'm the one who chooses to have such a small circle of friends that when one leaves, I'm down to fifty percent.
And then, I know that I should really just enjoy the monotony while it lasts. After all, this is a good chance for me to relax until the next big thing. But I think the question is: What IS the next big thing? Do we really need a next big thing?
So, to address the question again: Where do I go from here?
But even with such a hectic schedule, I had things to look forward to all the time. I dreaded my next exam; I longed for the day that clinical rotations would come to an end; I bided my time until the Board of Registry exam came around. Each week was a week closer to finishing up my short-term career goal. Each day I looked forward to going home so I could sit and study. Every other Friday, I looked forward to taking my exams and getting them over with so that I had an excuse to relax over the weekend.
But then when school finally finished and work began, it somehow felt like everything slowed to a near stop. Each day is another day for going to work and training for weeks until I will be ready officially begin my position without direct supervision. The end of training and the beginning of my offical position is the next big thing that I am anticipating.
But then what do I look forward to after that?
I'm not saying that I'm not happy with school being over-- in fact, I'm ecstatic that I don't have to worry about studying non-stop every single day. I'm glad that I've accomplished everything necessary to jump start my career. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss being a student and going to classes regularly. After all, I was in school for so long that it feels only natural to be in a classroom.
Call me a nerd: if money weren't an issue, I wouldn't mind going to classes and learning all sorts of different things. (In fact, I may even think about picking up some random recreational classes around town to learn something new.)
But the fact of the matter is, I feel like I've got nothing else to look forward to except for the next day wherein I continue to go to work in the morning and then come home and sit at my computer, looking for something to keep me entertained.
Maybe I'm just suffering from some form of best friend withdrawal since one of my closest friends just recently left home to establish a new life in a different city, far, far away. The feeling isn't too different right now, as I rarely see any of my closest friends anyway; but I'm sure that melancholy is going to catch up to me when one day in the next few weeks, I feel like going out to eat and my usual dinner buddy is in a different state.
Yea... I lead a rather pathetic life. I'm a hermit who never leaves the house. The only times I ever bother going anywhere is if I'm invited out to some sort of get together or if my friend calls and asks if I'd like to have dinner somewhere. Otherwise, I'm not the type to plan anything. Of course, every so often, I might be the one who calls to see what people are doing. But then, otherwise, I just sit at home and spend the evening being lazy.
My other best friend, I never get to see regularly at all. Other close friends have other close friends. Life feels so monotonous suddenly. And I know I shouldn't be complaining; after all, I'm the one who chooses not to get up and go out and do something. I'm the one who chooses to sit at home all evening staring at television series or movies. I'm the one who chooses to have such a small circle of friends that when one leaves, I'm down to fifty percent.
And then, I know that I should really just enjoy the monotony while it lasts. After all, this is a good chance for me to relax until the next big thing. But I think the question is: What IS the next big thing? Do we really need a next big thing?
So, to address the question again: Where do I go from here?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A random thought about life
Sometimes I feel like my world is extremely small. I'm a simple person who thinks of simple things and becomes amused at simple things. I will laugh at random things even if nobody does and become excited over random things even if it's not a big deal.
Ambition isn't in my vocabulary at all.
My world is just very small and simple and narrow. It's hard for people to enter into it because there is very little room to spare. And it's very easy for people to wander back out of it, or get pushed back out of it because remaining in it is limited. Finally, it's a very easily forgotten place because its so small and simple.
For those who can step into my world, my closest friends, my family... I'm glad you've made the effort to remain by my side. It's a major feat on its own and you all are very brave. And if any of you are to one day wander out of my world, please don't forget about that little place where you've made your residence for so long.
Because, for the most part, I'll still be here in my own little world waiting to be discovered again. Because my small and simple and narrow world has never had the courage to explore realms beyond.
Ambition isn't in my vocabulary at all.
My world is just very small and simple and narrow. It's hard for people to enter into it because there is very little room to spare. And it's very easy for people to wander back out of it, or get pushed back out of it because remaining in it is limited. Finally, it's a very easily forgotten place because its so small and simple.
For those who can step into my world, my closest friends, my family... I'm glad you've made the effort to remain by my side. It's a major feat on its own and you all are very brave. And if any of you are to one day wander out of my world, please don't forget about that little place where you've made your residence for so long.
Because, for the most part, I'll still be here in my own little world waiting to be discovered again. Because my small and simple and narrow world has never had the courage to explore realms beyond.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
To reminisce... is sometimes a bit depressing...
I haven't written a blog post in forever, it seems. Of course, the last one was only a month ago and I jumped onto a soap box about stuff I probably don't really understand. And that's just how my posts end up going. I hear something, I form an opinion, and then I rant about it. I may or may not know what I'm talking about. Of course, for the last post, I promise that I DID research the entire story before I said anything. I may not have researched the entire issue, but I got enough to create an objective opinion-- at least I hope that I did.
Whenever I blog, I typically have something I really want to share with people. It's not always interesting, and I'm sure a lot of times, people roll their eyes and wonder, "What the heck kind of point is she trying to make?" Well, my answer is not going to be satisfactory-- sometimes there IS no point to make. I just write whatever popped into my head to begin with.
And I'm also guilty of trying too hard to build up an introductory to my intended topic. It's a way of making my blog posts much longer and seeing how long my readers will stay with me. I apologize, cause I know that's a lame way of doing things.
And I admit that these past few paragraphs have done exact that.
Anyway, moving into the actual topic that I had intended to write about in the first place, I advise readers to skip out if you don't want to be bored with my history of drama queen randomness. But before anyone rolls their eyes and think, "Here she goes again with dramatic woe is me stories..." I'd like to clarify that I'm not in a bad mood today, I'm not trying to be dramatic for full sympathetic effect, and I've not been wronged in anyway at all today. I'm actually in a rather neutral to good mood, but I just happened to think back about some things in my past.
Has anyone ever had those moments as well? You're sitting by yourself, listening to music and random thoughts just come to invade your mind. Questions, mind-rambling... reminiscing happens as well. It comes to me a lot cause I'm usually sitting by myself listening to music if I'm not studying or watching television. Or even when you're in the shower and all you hear is the soothing rush of shower water falling down.
Sometimes I'm guilty of thinking too much-- I admit this. Thoughts end up building on thoughts and the next thing you know, you've either built up some sort of fabricated story of how current situations will escalate in the future, or you've recreated a random memory of your own past that you had never intended to think about in the first place. Be it good or bad, it's there nonetheless.
Today, mine was in a flash of a couple of memories that lead to one particular memory that had ended up creating the drama queen I had been in high school and the indifferent prick I am today. I guess "indifferent prick" shouldn't be the word to use, but I have to admit that I'm much more laid back and less compassionate about things than I used to be. And sometimes, when things happen to people around me, my reaction is typically calm and indifferent.
I grew up in a family where we truly endorsed the "Children should be seen and not heard" unofficial rule. I recall spending my time being a talkative brat while I was still going through elemetary school. I even had a nickname, "Baat Mui" that my parents used to call me all the time. Roughly translated, it means "Gossip Girl". The connotation of the the nickname, however, was simply that I loved to talk about everything, no matter what it was, and that I would never shut up. Thinking back, I'm not sure how I felt about that nickname because I was always a stupid kid-- I was slow on picking up whenever people were making fun of me, or whenever people just wanted me to shut up and sit still like a good little girl.
I always talked. But my parents' reactions had always been rather indifferent. I guess I'm overexaggerating when I say that we endosred "Children should be seen and not heard." I was definitely heard; whether or not people wanted to hear me was a different story. But I do know that my opinions were pretty much ignored and I was always told time and time again to be quiet and sit still. I don't recall whether or not my parents bothered to answer all of my curiosity, but a major part of me believes that I was never satisfied in my quest to constantly inquire about things and annoy the heck out of people.
As a contradiciton to the me today, I spent a lot of my childhood being loud and obnoxious. I was shy around strangers when at school, but around home, I was like a parrot. There had never been a time when I didn't tell everyone exactly what I thought when I that young.
But that phase didn't last long.
I think it was a little before I started middle school that I permanently shut my mouth and stopped sharing with everyone what I wanted to say, be it how I was feeling or what piece of news I'd picked up from a relative.
It had slowly sunk in that no one was really listening anyway. And when they WERE listening, they didn't seem to care. It hadn't deterred me. At least it hadn't until one day when we were all together as a family, including my mother's side of the family, celebrating something that I don't remember. Pictures were being taken and there was food, there was laughter... and then somehow, there was a ton of Ani being made fun of. Something had upset me immensely. I think that I might have felt I was being ignored; I think that I might have felt I was being bullied too much. I think that my brothers were teasing me a little too much, or my mom was randomly saying things about me that hurt my feelings. I think I may have gotten scolded for something I didn't understand.
Whatever it was that happened, I ended up breaking down into tears. And I was young then, barely a teenager, maybe a pre-teen. Maybe this was actually during middle school. I don't remember the actual time frame, but I remember that this DID happen and it affected me immensely.
Crying had always been easy to do because it conveyed the strongest feeling I'd have whenver I felt like I was wronged somehow. And so I cried. And instead of being consoled or anything, I was asked to leave the room if I couldn't behave. And now that I think about, there's no telling what had happened. Maybe I was throwing a temper tantrum-- maybe I HAD done something so irritating that it merited me being kicked out of the room and thus out of a multiple number of family photos.
And so I obediently left the upstairs and walked down into the basement where I continued to bawl. The rest of the family happily continued to take their family photos and I sat by myself crying until I heard someone coming down the stairs.
To this day, I will never forget what it was that my grandmother told me when she came to get me. Roughly translated from Cantonese, she told me that crying was never the solution to anything and it will only make things worse. She told me that as a woman in this family, I needed to learn how to bottle up my sadness and move on. "Do you know how many times I've wanted to cry before? But my own mother taught me that I should never be heard showing my sadness." "Nei yiu yuun. Yuun m'dou do yiu yuun." In English, "You have to bear it. Even if you can't bear it, you still have to bear it."
Because in this world, she told me, no one really cares when you feel like you've been wronged. No one likes a crybaby and no one wants to deal with a little girl who cries about everything.
Depressing huh? I think back on it now and I kind of have to laugh about this.
The me today has been conditioned since that moment on to stop sharing my feelings with people and stop opening showing emotion if I can help it. If I have to cry, I go to my room, close the door and pretend to be doing my homework or reading-- I crank up some music and I refuse to let anyone see my show any feelings. Over the years, it has become normal for me to keep thoughts to myself and think about what I'm going to say at least ten times before I say it lest I offend someone. Mentally, I've managed to convince myself that if something goes wrong, it's more than likely my fault and I need to be prepared to apologize. I've even gone as far as to always question whether or not people really care about anything I do or say every minute of the day. I naturally wonder whether or not the people I hang out with sometimes even want me around. I've managed to convince myself that I'm an annoying, boring person who no one wants to be around.
All of those thoughts had propelled me into my high school years of being a drama queen who could think of nothing but negative thoughts about myself. My self-esteem plummeted and I became the invisible student that no one really wanted to care about.
Today's Ani really looks back and laughs at my plight in high school. I was a lot luckier than I had ever thought and I was a lot less lonely than I had always told myself. It embarrasses me to even think about how emo and dark I had been secretly, while always acting like I was a lively, caring, and optimistic person. I dearly wanted attention, but as a conflict, my logic would not allow me to do or say anything that would draw attention if I could help it. Because my grandmother had told me that no likes a crybaby. On the outside, I forced myself to be the goody-two shoes nerd girl who every teacher liked and who never got into confrontations or arguments. I wanted to be the type of person that no one would ever hate. I was secretly always feeling lonely and always feeling like no one really cared.
Now that I think about it, I may have created a monster out of myself, because I was pretty good at manipulating people into feeling sympathy for me as the good girl. I may have been this centuries worst kid ever-- I was that girl from stories and movies that I hate so much. I was the girl who always acted like I was a good person, but who subconsciously found ways of making people feel sorry for me. All because I actually wanted attention.
After all, during my youth, growing up with three brothers who were the pride and joy of my parents and being set aside time and time again simply as the girl who was there to help do housechores when I was needed, I felt embittered. My parents were always proud of my older brother and always pampered my younger brothers. My mother always wanted me to be just like my elder brother and do the same things in high school that he had done. I was encouraged to hang out with my brother more often and with his friends-- my parents loved my elder brother's friends. But they never made an effort to get to know any of my friends-- part of that could be because my elder brother was in a group of other Asian people whereas my closest friends were 100% American.
So lacking the attention I hoped for at home, I chose to find subconscious ways of getting attention at school with friends, classmates and complete strangers. But because my grandmother's words continued to echo in the back of my mind, I didn't dare make too big a spectacle of myself. So it's hard to say whether or not I accomplished my goal.
I'm embarrassed to think that this was how I was in the past. I don't quite like myself that way. It's depressing.
The me today can only think back and wish that I never become an emo, depressing and stupid little girl like that again.
I'd like to think that I've matured a lot from those times back in high school. I'm a lot more laid back in the present and my priorities have gone from wanting attention to wanting to accomplish more important goals in my life. I have my studies and I have my future to think about. I stop thinking about depressing things that'll only make me feel like crap for the rest of the day and I have close, very, very close friends who I can actually allow myself to show emotion in front of. I spent years being a girl who never shows her true feelings in front of people, just like my grandmother told me to do. Crying is anathema to my survival and sharing my thoughts is taboo.
But having close friends who I know I can trust has allowed me to be a little more open about my feelings. I don't admit that I'm a hundred percent comfortable with being open and honest with my closest friends, however. So right here and right now, I apologize if it still seems like I keep things from you guys. I'm still at a point where I have reserves about being completely open with anyone, even if you are one of my closest friends. I'm still at a point where I feel like having my own secrets is necessary and keeping some thoughts to myself is the safest way to life. It's not that I don't trust you guys, I'm just not entirely comfortable with opening up to anyone in such a manner. And I apologize profusely, because I know that I'm cared for and that no matter what is said or done, we'll always be together as friends.
But there's still that small little psychological resistance at the back of my mind that tells me, now that I have true friends who have been with me for so many years and who have been there through all of my happinesses and who I can trust with all of my heart... Well, I just don't want to do or say anything unnecessarily that will ruin this bliss. I don't want to be hated-- and because of this, I realize that I might not be the best friend in the world, no matter how hard I try to be a friend. Given time, I'm sure I'll finally break out of my shell.
LOL
I hadn't intended to get so mushy and depressing. After all, I repeat that I had not been in a bad mood when I started writing this blog post. My state of mind earlier had been mellow and good. I was merely reminiscing, but as my title implies, reminiscing about certain things will undoubtly lead to some depressing moments. I apologize for that.
But sometimes when you get on a roll talking about certain aspects of your life like that, you get carried away and say things you hadn't intended to touch upon. And blogging is my way of allowing others to know what I'm truly thinking. Because I'm no good at physical confrontation and I'm no good at verbalizing my thoughts. I'm abnormally adverse to receiving immediately responses to my thoughts when it comes to heartfelt words such as this. I don't like exchanging moments like this face-to-face.
Maybe this is why I write.
Hopefully today's blog post hasn't repulsed away the few friends that I actually have. I had merely intended to share some of my past with everyone in writing and to let everyone know that I'm not the nice and friendly good person people often think of me as. And if you never thought of me as a good person to begin with, then well, there's your proof.
Ani isn't nice and isn't a good friend. Ani is merely a human being trying to get through life without screwing up. And in this aspect, I'm probably trying way too hard; I know I've screwed lots of things up time and time again already. But this is how I am and the me of today has made a promise to myself to learn how to improve my own personality and be more open and optimistic about myself. Even at this age, I'm sure it'll still take quite a bit of time to accomplish.
At this point, my still constantly reminding myself not to keep silent about anything when I'm with my closest friends. If I feel like I need to say something, I tell myself to say it. I've been trying not to think of the consequences of whether or not I would offend. My closest friends and I have never had an argument with each other, and because of that, it worries me whether or not we would be able to handle such a situation that comes about. Just how badly can I possibly offend my best friends without losing their friendship? I've never been lashed out at before by them and it makes me wonder whether we would recover from such a situation. And then on the other hand, I don't want to see that day come because I don't like confrontation and I don't like to argue with people.
Maybe our friendship is just different from other peoples. We don't need to argue with each other in order to strengthen our friendship like many people do. Maybe, with the type of people that we are, we simply need to know that we'll be there for each other all the time and continue to care about each other.
Thirteen years of being togehter as the closest of friends is no small matter. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and to be able to still tolerate each other after so many years-- maybe I'm just being too pessimistic about my own ability to maintain a friendship. Because if I've been kept around as a friend for this long, then there must be something about me that is actually likeable.
Anyway, to anyone who has made it this far, thanks for sticking with my depressing memories and my childish ramblings. To be able to write anything, whether it be depressing or fun is just something I feel good doing.
I promise the next post won't be as depressing and I'll find something random to talk about.
Whenever I blog, I typically have something I really want to share with people. It's not always interesting, and I'm sure a lot of times, people roll their eyes and wonder, "What the heck kind of point is she trying to make?" Well, my answer is not going to be satisfactory-- sometimes there IS no point to make. I just write whatever popped into my head to begin with.
And I'm also guilty of trying too hard to build up an introductory to my intended topic. It's a way of making my blog posts much longer and seeing how long my readers will stay with me. I apologize, cause I know that's a lame way of doing things.
And I admit that these past few paragraphs have done exact that.
Anyway, moving into the actual topic that I had intended to write about in the first place, I advise readers to skip out if you don't want to be bored with my history of drama queen randomness. But before anyone rolls their eyes and think, "Here she goes again with dramatic woe is me stories..." I'd like to clarify that I'm not in a bad mood today, I'm not trying to be dramatic for full sympathetic effect, and I've not been wronged in anyway at all today. I'm actually in a rather neutral to good mood, but I just happened to think back about some things in my past.
Has anyone ever had those moments as well? You're sitting by yourself, listening to music and random thoughts just come to invade your mind. Questions, mind-rambling... reminiscing happens as well. It comes to me a lot cause I'm usually sitting by myself listening to music if I'm not studying or watching television. Or even when you're in the shower and all you hear is the soothing rush of shower water falling down.
Sometimes I'm guilty of thinking too much-- I admit this. Thoughts end up building on thoughts and the next thing you know, you've either built up some sort of fabricated story of how current situations will escalate in the future, or you've recreated a random memory of your own past that you had never intended to think about in the first place. Be it good or bad, it's there nonetheless.
Today, mine was in a flash of a couple of memories that lead to one particular memory that had ended up creating the drama queen I had been in high school and the indifferent prick I am today. I guess "indifferent prick" shouldn't be the word to use, but I have to admit that I'm much more laid back and less compassionate about things than I used to be. And sometimes, when things happen to people around me, my reaction is typically calm and indifferent.
I grew up in a family where we truly endorsed the "Children should be seen and not heard" unofficial rule. I recall spending my time being a talkative brat while I was still going through elemetary school. I even had a nickname, "Baat Mui" that my parents used to call me all the time. Roughly translated, it means "Gossip Girl". The connotation of the the nickname, however, was simply that I loved to talk about everything, no matter what it was, and that I would never shut up. Thinking back, I'm not sure how I felt about that nickname because I was always a stupid kid-- I was slow on picking up whenever people were making fun of me, or whenever people just wanted me to shut up and sit still like a good little girl.
I always talked. But my parents' reactions had always been rather indifferent. I guess I'm overexaggerating when I say that we endosred "Children should be seen and not heard." I was definitely heard; whether or not people wanted to hear me was a different story. But I do know that my opinions were pretty much ignored and I was always told time and time again to be quiet and sit still. I don't recall whether or not my parents bothered to answer all of my curiosity, but a major part of me believes that I was never satisfied in my quest to constantly inquire about things and annoy the heck out of people.
As a contradiciton to the me today, I spent a lot of my childhood being loud and obnoxious. I was shy around strangers when at school, but around home, I was like a parrot. There had never been a time when I didn't tell everyone exactly what I thought when I that young.
But that phase didn't last long.
I think it was a little before I started middle school that I permanently shut my mouth and stopped sharing with everyone what I wanted to say, be it how I was feeling or what piece of news I'd picked up from a relative.
It had slowly sunk in that no one was really listening anyway. And when they WERE listening, they didn't seem to care. It hadn't deterred me. At least it hadn't until one day when we were all together as a family, including my mother's side of the family, celebrating something that I don't remember. Pictures were being taken and there was food, there was laughter... and then somehow, there was a ton of Ani being made fun of. Something had upset me immensely. I think that I might have felt I was being ignored; I think that I might have felt I was being bullied too much. I think that my brothers were teasing me a little too much, or my mom was randomly saying things about me that hurt my feelings. I think I may have gotten scolded for something I didn't understand.
Whatever it was that happened, I ended up breaking down into tears. And I was young then, barely a teenager, maybe a pre-teen. Maybe this was actually during middle school. I don't remember the actual time frame, but I remember that this DID happen and it affected me immensely.
Crying had always been easy to do because it conveyed the strongest feeling I'd have whenver I felt like I was wronged somehow. And so I cried. And instead of being consoled or anything, I was asked to leave the room if I couldn't behave. And now that I think about, there's no telling what had happened. Maybe I was throwing a temper tantrum-- maybe I HAD done something so irritating that it merited me being kicked out of the room and thus out of a multiple number of family photos.
And so I obediently left the upstairs and walked down into the basement where I continued to bawl. The rest of the family happily continued to take their family photos and I sat by myself crying until I heard someone coming down the stairs.
To this day, I will never forget what it was that my grandmother told me when she came to get me. Roughly translated from Cantonese, she told me that crying was never the solution to anything and it will only make things worse. She told me that as a woman in this family, I needed to learn how to bottle up my sadness and move on. "Do you know how many times I've wanted to cry before? But my own mother taught me that I should never be heard showing my sadness." "Nei yiu yuun. Yuun m'dou do yiu yuun." In English, "You have to bear it. Even if you can't bear it, you still have to bear it."
Because in this world, she told me, no one really cares when you feel like you've been wronged. No one likes a crybaby and no one wants to deal with a little girl who cries about everything.
Depressing huh? I think back on it now and I kind of have to laugh about this.
The me today has been conditioned since that moment on to stop sharing my feelings with people and stop opening showing emotion if I can help it. If I have to cry, I go to my room, close the door and pretend to be doing my homework or reading-- I crank up some music and I refuse to let anyone see my show any feelings. Over the years, it has become normal for me to keep thoughts to myself and think about what I'm going to say at least ten times before I say it lest I offend someone. Mentally, I've managed to convince myself that if something goes wrong, it's more than likely my fault and I need to be prepared to apologize. I've even gone as far as to always question whether or not people really care about anything I do or say every minute of the day. I naturally wonder whether or not the people I hang out with sometimes even want me around. I've managed to convince myself that I'm an annoying, boring person who no one wants to be around.
All of those thoughts had propelled me into my high school years of being a drama queen who could think of nothing but negative thoughts about myself. My self-esteem plummeted and I became the invisible student that no one really wanted to care about.
Today's Ani really looks back and laughs at my plight in high school. I was a lot luckier than I had ever thought and I was a lot less lonely than I had always told myself. It embarrasses me to even think about how emo and dark I had been secretly, while always acting like I was a lively, caring, and optimistic person. I dearly wanted attention, but as a conflict, my logic would not allow me to do or say anything that would draw attention if I could help it. Because my grandmother had told me that no likes a crybaby. On the outside, I forced myself to be the goody-two shoes nerd girl who every teacher liked and who never got into confrontations or arguments. I wanted to be the type of person that no one would ever hate. I was secretly always feeling lonely and always feeling like no one really cared.
Now that I think about it, I may have created a monster out of myself, because I was pretty good at manipulating people into feeling sympathy for me as the good girl. I may have been this centuries worst kid ever-- I was that girl from stories and movies that I hate so much. I was the girl who always acted like I was a good person, but who subconsciously found ways of making people feel sorry for me. All because I actually wanted attention.
After all, during my youth, growing up with three brothers who were the pride and joy of my parents and being set aside time and time again simply as the girl who was there to help do housechores when I was needed, I felt embittered. My parents were always proud of my older brother and always pampered my younger brothers. My mother always wanted me to be just like my elder brother and do the same things in high school that he had done. I was encouraged to hang out with my brother more often and with his friends-- my parents loved my elder brother's friends. But they never made an effort to get to know any of my friends-- part of that could be because my elder brother was in a group of other Asian people whereas my closest friends were 100% American.
So lacking the attention I hoped for at home, I chose to find subconscious ways of getting attention at school with friends, classmates and complete strangers. But because my grandmother's words continued to echo in the back of my mind, I didn't dare make too big a spectacle of myself. So it's hard to say whether or not I accomplished my goal.
I'm embarrassed to think that this was how I was in the past. I don't quite like myself that way. It's depressing.
The me today can only think back and wish that I never become an emo, depressing and stupid little girl like that again.
I'd like to think that I've matured a lot from those times back in high school. I'm a lot more laid back in the present and my priorities have gone from wanting attention to wanting to accomplish more important goals in my life. I have my studies and I have my future to think about. I stop thinking about depressing things that'll only make me feel like crap for the rest of the day and I have close, very, very close friends who I can actually allow myself to show emotion in front of. I spent years being a girl who never shows her true feelings in front of people, just like my grandmother told me to do. Crying is anathema to my survival and sharing my thoughts is taboo.
But having close friends who I know I can trust has allowed me to be a little more open about my feelings. I don't admit that I'm a hundred percent comfortable with being open and honest with my closest friends, however. So right here and right now, I apologize if it still seems like I keep things from you guys. I'm still at a point where I have reserves about being completely open with anyone, even if you are one of my closest friends. I'm still at a point where I feel like having my own secrets is necessary and keeping some thoughts to myself is the safest way to life. It's not that I don't trust you guys, I'm just not entirely comfortable with opening up to anyone in such a manner. And I apologize profusely, because I know that I'm cared for and that no matter what is said or done, we'll always be together as friends.
But there's still that small little psychological resistance at the back of my mind that tells me, now that I have true friends who have been with me for so many years and who have been there through all of my happinesses and who I can trust with all of my heart... Well, I just don't want to do or say anything unnecessarily that will ruin this bliss. I don't want to be hated-- and because of this, I realize that I might not be the best friend in the world, no matter how hard I try to be a friend. Given time, I'm sure I'll finally break out of my shell.
LOL
I hadn't intended to get so mushy and depressing. After all, I repeat that I had not been in a bad mood when I started writing this blog post. My state of mind earlier had been mellow and good. I was merely reminiscing, but as my title implies, reminiscing about certain things will undoubtly lead to some depressing moments. I apologize for that.
But sometimes when you get on a roll talking about certain aspects of your life like that, you get carried away and say things you hadn't intended to touch upon. And blogging is my way of allowing others to know what I'm truly thinking. Because I'm no good at physical confrontation and I'm no good at verbalizing my thoughts. I'm abnormally adverse to receiving immediately responses to my thoughts when it comes to heartfelt words such as this. I don't like exchanging moments like this face-to-face.
Maybe this is why I write.
Hopefully today's blog post hasn't repulsed away the few friends that I actually have. I had merely intended to share some of my past with everyone in writing and to let everyone know that I'm not the nice and friendly good person people often think of me as. And if you never thought of me as a good person to begin with, then well, there's your proof.
Ani isn't nice and isn't a good friend. Ani is merely a human being trying to get through life without screwing up. And in this aspect, I'm probably trying way too hard; I know I've screwed lots of things up time and time again already. But this is how I am and the me of today has made a promise to myself to learn how to improve my own personality and be more open and optimistic about myself. Even at this age, I'm sure it'll still take quite a bit of time to accomplish.
At this point, my still constantly reminding myself not to keep silent about anything when I'm with my closest friends. If I feel like I need to say something, I tell myself to say it. I've been trying not to think of the consequences of whether or not I would offend. My closest friends and I have never had an argument with each other, and because of that, it worries me whether or not we would be able to handle such a situation that comes about. Just how badly can I possibly offend my best friends without losing their friendship? I've never been lashed out at before by them and it makes me wonder whether we would recover from such a situation. And then on the other hand, I don't want to see that day come because I don't like confrontation and I don't like to argue with people.
Maybe our friendship is just different from other peoples. We don't need to argue with each other in order to strengthen our friendship like many people do. Maybe, with the type of people that we are, we simply need to know that we'll be there for each other all the time and continue to care about each other.
Thirteen years of being togehter as the closest of friends is no small matter. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and to be able to still tolerate each other after so many years-- maybe I'm just being too pessimistic about my own ability to maintain a friendship. Because if I've been kept around as a friend for this long, then there must be something about me that is actually likeable.
Anyway, to anyone who has made it this far, thanks for sticking with my depressing memories and my childish ramblings. To be able to write anything, whether it be depressing or fun is just something I feel good doing.
I promise the next post won't be as depressing and I'll find something random to talk about.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Food Handler's and Personal Liability
So I had to renew my food handler's license today by sitting through a two hour class on how to safely handle food that will eventually end up in other people's stomachs. No big deal; it's a two hour sit and I get paid for it... I think. I just need to show up and pay attention.
When given hand-outs about all the necessary precautions and rules and regulations of food safety, I realized that I already knew all of this stuff. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that rules are always followed, because in reality, there are usually more pressing matters such as making sure that the customer gets the service he or she is paying for.
When things come down to rules or reality, there just has to be that simple gray area. Functioning in real life can't always be about rules and regulations. Otherwise, as someone had put it, you'd be standing at the sink washing your hands every two seconds and nothing will get done. But for the record, rules are always followed even if mistakes are made occasionally.
But this is all history now. The class is over and we do what we can to make sure everything goes according to what is required.
The subject of personal liability came up however, and even though I had always known this in the back of my head, it wasn't until today that I actually heard those words put into a sentence as a fact: "In this country, there is no personal liability." And I hadn't realized just how deep that one statement goes either. Now I'm not saying that what I had heard today is completely and absolutely true. I don't know the legalities behind the whole ordeal.
And I'm not even sure if the term is used correctly anyway, since, upon looking it up, personal liability has to do with claiming your own debts and being accountable for that and so on.
Liability really has to do with financial issues anyway.
But what we discussed as examples of what she really meant can be best illustrated by the millions of lawsuits filed outrageously against some company for a person's own stupid actions causing that person to become victimized somehow. Famous case that comes to mind is the McDonald's hot coffee case back in 1992 when a woman was burned while trying to open the lid of her coffee cup. Now I know that there are a lot of fine details to that story that may or may not skew an outsider to either consider one side or another. But the question in the end comes down to, "Who is ultimately at fault for the woman being burned by a cup of hot coffee?"
First of all, did McDonalds really serve coffee so hot that it is not consumable upon being bought? Second of all, even if they do, is it really McDonald's fault after selling that cup of coffee, to make sure that clumsy people do not burn themselves? Should all paying customers be treated like idiots and be advised that, yes the hot coffee is indeed hot and that it will burn if your skin touches it immediately? And if I choose to put my steaming, scalding cup of hot coffee between my legs and accidentally knock it over, is that my own foolishness, or is that McDonald's fault for not warning me that I shouldn't put hot coffee between my legs because it could spill and cause burns?
Setting that case aside, there are always millions of issues out there that come down to the unfairness of a lot of legal policies. For instance, when I first became a bartender, one of the first things that I was told was that if a drunken patron requests another beer, I serve it to him, he leaves the building able to blow a 0.35 BAC, but manages to drive onto the road and then gets into an accident, then in the end, I will be the one responsible for the resulting accident and will be sued for negligence.
Now, I can understand if I was the one who put the keys in that drunken patrons hands, led him to his car, and told him to leave. I can understand if I persisted in serving this drunken patron alcohol when I should have been morally, and legally, obligated to cut him off. But if I refused to serve him alcohol because of his beyond inebriated state, he finds a way of getting ahold of an alcoholic beverage anyway despite attempts to cease his actions, and then he insists on driving in his drunken state thus getting into a horrendous accident, why can it still be the bartender's fault?
Apparently, these policies are based around the idea that people do not have to take responsibility for their own stupid actions if they happen to become the victim of their own stupid actions. Today, another example had been, if a person came into a restaurant, ordered his steak rare and bloody, was warned of the fact that consuming raw meat comes at a high risk of contracting food-borne illnesses, but insisted that he be given his bloody, fresh slaughtered cow anyway, and then ends up in the hospital because of E. coli, then the facility who sold him that piece of meat can be sued for negligence or something of the like. Maybe sued for serving a customer a piece of dangerous meat. Because according to the federal code, steaks have to heated to a certain temperature and cooked for a certain amount of time before they can be served.
So whatever happened to personal responsibility? Why would McDonalds have to settled 2.9 million dollars in compensation because they served a cup of hot coffee to a patron who orderd hot coffee? Do we not know that when you spill a cup of hot coffee on your lap, it's going to burn? So if you make your own coffee at home and accidentally spill it in your lap, do you get to sue the person who made that coffee machine? Do you get to sue the manufacturer of the stove you used to heat up your boiling water because it heated up your beverage to a scalding hot temperature that makes your coffee unconsumable?
Where is the line between personal responsibility and third-party responsibiity? Why are people not responsible for their own stupid actions?
While I feel sorry that the woman had gotten burnt, ended up needed skin grafts, and stayed in the hospital for two years for treatment and care, was it really McDonald's fault?
And even still, apparently, disclaimers warning paying customers about the risks of certain actions does not mean that the establishment is no longer responsible. Apparently, those little disclaimers at the bottom of the steak menu is only there for decoration-- even if it tells people about the risks of consuming raw or undercooked meat, if someone insists on ordering a rare steak and gets sick, that person can still come back and sue the establishment.
It's unfortunate that ideals are like that. Because in the end, how do you know what you'll be responsible for and what you're not responsible for, if people don't have to take responsibility for their own actions? I mean, I have always lived under the impression that if I walk into a street full of cars and get hit by one, I'm not going to sue the city for not warning me about the hazards of walking into heavy traffic. If I am allergic to milk and dairy products, I'm not going to sue Hiland for not warning me that drinking their milk is going to make me sick (granted, there probably is a warning on all milk products for those who are lactose intolerant.)
I understand the necessity of how to best service a consumer. But isn't it too much when you have to hold someone's hand and tell them every step of the way what they should and shouldn't do to keep from getting themselves hurt or sick? As adults, is it really okay to keep blaming other people if you don't learn how to watch out for your own well-being and continue to make mistakes that cost your own welfare, even after various warnings?
Isn't that just plain lack of common sense?
When given hand-outs about all the necessary precautions and rules and regulations of food safety, I realized that I already knew all of this stuff. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that rules are always followed, because in reality, there are usually more pressing matters such as making sure that the customer gets the service he or she is paying for.
When things come down to rules or reality, there just has to be that simple gray area. Functioning in real life can't always be about rules and regulations. Otherwise, as someone had put it, you'd be standing at the sink washing your hands every two seconds and nothing will get done. But for the record, rules are always followed even if mistakes are made occasionally.
But this is all history now. The class is over and we do what we can to make sure everything goes according to what is required.
The subject of personal liability came up however, and even though I had always known this in the back of my head, it wasn't until today that I actually heard those words put into a sentence as a fact: "In this country, there is no personal liability." And I hadn't realized just how deep that one statement goes either. Now I'm not saying that what I had heard today is completely and absolutely true. I don't know the legalities behind the whole ordeal.
And I'm not even sure if the term is used correctly anyway, since, upon looking it up, personal liability has to do with claiming your own debts and being accountable for that and so on.
Liability really has to do with financial issues anyway.
But what we discussed as examples of what she really meant can be best illustrated by the millions of lawsuits filed outrageously against some company for a person's own stupid actions causing that person to become victimized somehow. Famous case that comes to mind is the McDonald's hot coffee case back in 1992 when a woman was burned while trying to open the lid of her coffee cup. Now I know that there are a lot of fine details to that story that may or may not skew an outsider to either consider one side or another. But the question in the end comes down to, "Who is ultimately at fault for the woman being burned by a cup of hot coffee?"
First of all, did McDonalds really serve coffee so hot that it is not consumable upon being bought? Second of all, even if they do, is it really McDonald's fault after selling that cup of coffee, to make sure that clumsy people do not burn themselves? Should all paying customers be treated like idiots and be advised that, yes the hot coffee is indeed hot and that it will burn if your skin touches it immediately? And if I choose to put my steaming, scalding cup of hot coffee between my legs and accidentally knock it over, is that my own foolishness, or is that McDonald's fault for not warning me that I shouldn't put hot coffee between my legs because it could spill and cause burns?
Setting that case aside, there are always millions of issues out there that come down to the unfairness of a lot of legal policies. For instance, when I first became a bartender, one of the first things that I was told was that if a drunken patron requests another beer, I serve it to him, he leaves the building able to blow a 0.35 BAC, but manages to drive onto the road and then gets into an accident, then in the end, I will be the one responsible for the resulting accident and will be sued for negligence.
Now, I can understand if I was the one who put the keys in that drunken patrons hands, led him to his car, and told him to leave. I can understand if I persisted in serving this drunken patron alcohol when I should have been morally, and legally, obligated to cut him off. But if I refused to serve him alcohol because of his beyond inebriated state, he finds a way of getting ahold of an alcoholic beverage anyway despite attempts to cease his actions, and then he insists on driving in his drunken state thus getting into a horrendous accident, why can it still be the bartender's fault?
Apparently, these policies are based around the idea that people do not have to take responsibility for their own stupid actions if they happen to become the victim of their own stupid actions. Today, another example had been, if a person came into a restaurant, ordered his steak rare and bloody, was warned of the fact that consuming raw meat comes at a high risk of contracting food-borne illnesses, but insisted that he be given his bloody, fresh slaughtered cow anyway, and then ends up in the hospital because of E. coli, then the facility who sold him that piece of meat can be sued for negligence or something of the like. Maybe sued for serving a customer a piece of dangerous meat. Because according to the federal code, steaks have to heated to a certain temperature and cooked for a certain amount of time before they can be served.
So whatever happened to personal responsibility? Why would McDonalds have to settled 2.9 million dollars in compensation because they served a cup of hot coffee to a patron who orderd hot coffee? Do we not know that when you spill a cup of hot coffee on your lap, it's going to burn? So if you make your own coffee at home and accidentally spill it in your lap, do you get to sue the person who made that coffee machine? Do you get to sue the manufacturer of the stove you used to heat up your boiling water because it heated up your beverage to a scalding hot temperature that makes your coffee unconsumable?
Where is the line between personal responsibility and third-party responsibiity? Why are people not responsible for their own stupid actions?
While I feel sorry that the woman had gotten burnt, ended up needed skin grafts, and stayed in the hospital for two years for treatment and care, was it really McDonald's fault?
And even still, apparently, disclaimers warning paying customers about the risks of certain actions does not mean that the establishment is no longer responsible. Apparently, those little disclaimers at the bottom of the steak menu is only there for decoration-- even if it tells people about the risks of consuming raw or undercooked meat, if someone insists on ordering a rare steak and gets sick, that person can still come back and sue the establishment.
It's unfortunate that ideals are like that. Because in the end, how do you know what you'll be responsible for and what you're not responsible for, if people don't have to take responsibility for their own actions? I mean, I have always lived under the impression that if I walk into a street full of cars and get hit by one, I'm not going to sue the city for not warning me about the hazards of walking into heavy traffic. If I am allergic to milk and dairy products, I'm not going to sue Hiland for not warning me that drinking their milk is going to make me sick (granted, there probably is a warning on all milk products for those who are lactose intolerant.)
I understand the necessity of how to best service a consumer. But isn't it too much when you have to hold someone's hand and tell them every step of the way what they should and shouldn't do to keep from getting themselves hurt or sick? As adults, is it really okay to keep blaming other people if you don't learn how to watch out for your own well-being and continue to make mistakes that cost your own welfare, even after various warnings?
Isn't that just plain lack of common sense?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
What it means to me...
Respect is something that is earned and not given away like flyers. Acting like an jerk is not going to help with the situation and neither are false accusations that accomplish nothing.
My personal opinions, which may not mean anything to many people, set up respect for those people who do their best in life, whether work or social or just general. If you do your share and try your hardest, you've earned my respect. You don't have to be intelligent and you don't have to know everything. In fact, you don't even have to be a martyr so long as it shows how you've at least tried your best.
A leader usually gets my respect automatically because of status. I think to myself, "That person is there for a reason." But that doesn't mean that I know why or that it'll remain true. Because in the end, automatic respect is lost far more easily than earned respect.
I'm not one to start trouble if it's not necessary. I like to keep the peace. If someone treats me wrong, but I've lost nothing in the process except for a small speckle of dignity and my temper, I simply take a deep breath, maybe vent to some of my friends about having had a bad day, and then I move on and get over it. Dwelling on the matter will only make me more stressed about it and it's not worth the stress. If a true problem comes up that could be a deciding factor about a major issue in my life, that's when I might have to finally speak up.
It's not the best way to go about conflict management, but I'm not good at confrontation. If at all possible, I'd love to just ignore and move on.
Unfortunately, other people like to start fires where bridges can be burned. I know for a fact that last night, a certain somebody has completely lost the respect of myself and two others. I will not mention names nor will I give specifics. He may not know who he is, but I'm pretty sure he'll find out in the long run that what he has done has not only failed to establish his authority, but has also lost the trust and respect of others.
Without trying to be immodest, I will honestly admit that I am a very tolerant and very nice person. I don't like arguments, I don't like confrontation, and I don't like anger. It takes a lot for someone to piss me off because I otherwise, normally just ignore their annoyance. But lines are easily crossed and especially if said person has been tip toe-ing that line since the first day we met.
I've lost respect for few people over the years. Because life is too short to spend always wondering who is going to do you wrong the next minute, or who you should make feel miserable, or who you should display false authority to. It would get tiring, wouldn't it? You spend a lot of your time each day already surrounded by necessities and issues such as, "What daily chores do I need to finish today?" "Where do I need to go today?" "Who do I need to call? What do I need to take care of?" "What's for dinner? What's for lunch?" "Do I want to sit and watch television or spend time with the family?" "Do I have homework to do? Studying? Reading?"
There are so many other things that need to be accomplished within the day that it's a wonder to me that people can dwell on other matters as petty as, "Who's going to make my life miserable today and how should I respond to that and who should I defend myself against before they even show any hint of thinking of attacking?" I feel sorry for those people who spend their entire lives thinking that they need to cry wolf every second they get a chance just so someone won't even remotely think of treating you wrong.
When my friend gets accused of doing something she had not even done and gets ambushed with that issue, I feel like we've stepped into past issues of incredulous Salem witch trials. It doesn't matter that she has done her share of work or that she had no intentions whatsoever of being rude or irrational. It doesn't matter that she had done nothing to merit being accused being disrespectful. But the issue going through the accuser's head must have been as simple as, "I need to set authority somehow," or "I need to teach some people a lesson," and so he goes and cries wolf about something that isn't even true. Maybe he was trying to earn respect he doesn't deserve by showing how he isn't being given respect. Maybe he was trying to defend against an impending attack. I don't know what his intentions had been, but there was no need to falsely accuse people.
If he wanted to given more respect, well, I'm sorry, he's burned three bridges. His way of going about things was childish and uncalled for.
I spent the night tossing and turning in bed wondering about the situation. If I had been in her position at the time, what would I have done? I don't have a temper. I don't know how to deal with confrontation and I'm no good at voicing my opinions. What would have happened to me? Would I have said something wrong? Would I have further angered him by saying something accusatory back? Or would I have suddenly developed some form of manipulative skill to turn the tables?
Who knows?
Respect is just so easily lost when someone pulls a stunt as irrational as he had done. Although we must consider that the respect that I had had for this person was teetering on a tight rope already. Because I believe there are certain things that he has no right to bring up and that his respect was not given to him in accordance to his ability to work hard, his work ethics, or even his social personality. This is a person who had been given automatic respect because of his position.
And I apologize. It's all gone now.
So now the main question is, how do I continue to act around him without making trouble for others?
My personal opinions, which may not mean anything to many people, set up respect for those people who do their best in life, whether work or social or just general. If you do your share and try your hardest, you've earned my respect. You don't have to be intelligent and you don't have to know everything. In fact, you don't even have to be a martyr so long as it shows how you've at least tried your best.
A leader usually gets my respect automatically because of status. I think to myself, "That person is there for a reason." But that doesn't mean that I know why or that it'll remain true. Because in the end, automatic respect is lost far more easily than earned respect.
I'm not one to start trouble if it's not necessary. I like to keep the peace. If someone treats me wrong, but I've lost nothing in the process except for a small speckle of dignity and my temper, I simply take a deep breath, maybe vent to some of my friends about having had a bad day, and then I move on and get over it. Dwelling on the matter will only make me more stressed about it and it's not worth the stress. If a true problem comes up that could be a deciding factor about a major issue in my life, that's when I might have to finally speak up.
It's not the best way to go about conflict management, but I'm not good at confrontation. If at all possible, I'd love to just ignore and move on.
Unfortunately, other people like to start fires where bridges can be burned. I know for a fact that last night, a certain somebody has completely lost the respect of myself and two others. I will not mention names nor will I give specifics. He may not know who he is, but I'm pretty sure he'll find out in the long run that what he has done has not only failed to establish his authority, but has also lost the trust and respect of others.
Without trying to be immodest, I will honestly admit that I am a very tolerant and very nice person. I don't like arguments, I don't like confrontation, and I don't like anger. It takes a lot for someone to piss me off because I otherwise, normally just ignore their annoyance. But lines are easily crossed and especially if said person has been tip toe-ing that line since the first day we met.
I've lost respect for few people over the years. Because life is too short to spend always wondering who is going to do you wrong the next minute, or who you should make feel miserable, or who you should display false authority to. It would get tiring, wouldn't it? You spend a lot of your time each day already surrounded by necessities and issues such as, "What daily chores do I need to finish today?" "Where do I need to go today?" "Who do I need to call? What do I need to take care of?" "What's for dinner? What's for lunch?" "Do I want to sit and watch television or spend time with the family?" "Do I have homework to do? Studying? Reading?"
There are so many other things that need to be accomplished within the day that it's a wonder to me that people can dwell on other matters as petty as, "Who's going to make my life miserable today and how should I respond to that and who should I defend myself against before they even show any hint of thinking of attacking?" I feel sorry for those people who spend their entire lives thinking that they need to cry wolf every second they get a chance just so someone won't even remotely think of treating you wrong.
When my friend gets accused of doing something she had not even done and gets ambushed with that issue, I feel like we've stepped into past issues of incredulous Salem witch trials. It doesn't matter that she has done her share of work or that she had no intentions whatsoever of being rude or irrational. It doesn't matter that she had done nothing to merit being accused being disrespectful. But the issue going through the accuser's head must have been as simple as, "I need to set authority somehow," or "I need to teach some people a lesson," and so he goes and cries wolf about something that isn't even true. Maybe he was trying to earn respect he doesn't deserve by showing how he isn't being given respect. Maybe he was trying to defend against an impending attack. I don't know what his intentions had been, but there was no need to falsely accuse people.
If he wanted to given more respect, well, I'm sorry, he's burned three bridges. His way of going about things was childish and uncalled for.
I spent the night tossing and turning in bed wondering about the situation. If I had been in her position at the time, what would I have done? I don't have a temper. I don't know how to deal with confrontation and I'm no good at voicing my opinions. What would have happened to me? Would I have said something wrong? Would I have further angered him by saying something accusatory back? Or would I have suddenly developed some form of manipulative skill to turn the tables?
Who knows?
Respect is just so easily lost when someone pulls a stunt as irrational as he had done. Although we must consider that the respect that I had had for this person was teetering on a tight rope already. Because I believe there are certain things that he has no right to bring up and that his respect was not given to him in accordance to his ability to work hard, his work ethics, or even his social personality. This is a person who had been given automatic respect because of his position.
And I apologize. It's all gone now.
So now the main question is, how do I continue to act around him without making trouble for others?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
My So Called "Proud" Immune System
There is nothing more annoying than consistently coming down with a cold or some form of sickness when you can't really afford to be sick. Back in high school, I spent four whole years being extremely grateful that I had an immune system worthy of the most nasty colds. The words "I neer get sick" were more true than anything else I'd ever say.
I got summer colds, but never winter colds, and typically, I was struck down with something every summer, but only for a few days and only that one time. It was the same, each summer. And then I'd move on with my life.
Recently, in the past few months, I have been consistently sick more than is normal for me. I guess this is a mark of growing older-- because with age, your immune system starts to play tricks on you. It decides that it wants to go on strike at the most ridiculously absurd times. And it chooses to go on strike irregularly and almost every other week.
For the past year, I think I've been sick at least once every month. It's irritating, because I'm NEVER sick.
Theory has it, from friends, that I've been sick more often lately due to stress. Trying to finish up this Medical Technology program, I've put much more work and effort into completing this task than I've ever done for anything else. I mean, back in high school, sure I worked hard to make things happen for me, but I never had to put too much effort into it-- high school was a cake walk. Throughout the beginning of college, I doubt I put much of my effort into working hard at all-- college was boring until you could figure out what it was you wanted to do with your life. And then when I finally figured it out, Forensic Science courses were extremely easily passed with an 'A'. And now, in Medical Technology, all of my slacking off since I started going to college has caught up with me.
With this program, I feel like I need to put in twice the effort and twice the time and twice the hard work I used to put in for anything I've ever done. And because of this, I skip sleep, I get worked up, and I get nervous over the littlest things. I'm constantly studying and worrying about my grades. Stress level goes up and lack of sleep will probably equal into a temporarily impaired immune system.
And so as my friends are telling me, the only reason I've been getting sick so much more often lately is because I'm stressed out. Once the program is done and over with, I will probably go back to the way I used to be.
Another theory popped up, but not about why I've been getting sick more often, but about why I feel like I'm being crushed by diesel trucks whenever I get sick. I try so hard not to be a baby whenever I catch something, but it just so happens that I feel so much like crap that I can't help it. Whenever I get sick, it just seems to hit full-force, every single time.
And we have attributed this to the fact that, well, I never get sick. If you never get sick, then you never know how to deal with any cold that comes around. Your body goes into panic mode and you have trouble with sickness tolerance. Most people will just simply say, I'm sick, and move one. I'll do that too, but then there's hacking, sneezing, and feeling dizzy all the time. It can't be helped-- because I'm never sick as much as everyone else, my body doesn't know how to handle it when it comes around.
And so all of that pride I've always had in a strong immune system... Well, I can't really take the dumb thing for granted anymore. At least not when I'm currently rushing through another streak of sore throat and congestion.
I got summer colds, but never winter colds, and typically, I was struck down with something every summer, but only for a few days and only that one time. It was the same, each summer. And then I'd move on with my life.
Recently, in the past few months, I have been consistently sick more than is normal for me. I guess this is a mark of growing older-- because with age, your immune system starts to play tricks on you. It decides that it wants to go on strike at the most ridiculously absurd times. And it chooses to go on strike irregularly and almost every other week.
For the past year, I think I've been sick at least once every month. It's irritating, because I'm NEVER sick.
Theory has it, from friends, that I've been sick more often lately due to stress. Trying to finish up this Medical Technology program, I've put much more work and effort into completing this task than I've ever done for anything else. I mean, back in high school, sure I worked hard to make things happen for me, but I never had to put too much effort into it-- high school was a cake walk. Throughout the beginning of college, I doubt I put much of my effort into working hard at all-- college was boring until you could figure out what it was you wanted to do with your life. And then when I finally figured it out, Forensic Science courses were extremely easily passed with an 'A'. And now, in Medical Technology, all of my slacking off since I started going to college has caught up with me.
With this program, I feel like I need to put in twice the effort and twice the time and twice the hard work I used to put in for anything I've ever done. And because of this, I skip sleep, I get worked up, and I get nervous over the littlest things. I'm constantly studying and worrying about my grades. Stress level goes up and lack of sleep will probably equal into a temporarily impaired immune system.
And so as my friends are telling me, the only reason I've been getting sick so much more often lately is because I'm stressed out. Once the program is done and over with, I will probably go back to the way I used to be.
Another theory popped up, but not about why I've been getting sick more often, but about why I feel like I'm being crushed by diesel trucks whenever I get sick. I try so hard not to be a baby whenever I catch something, but it just so happens that I feel so much like crap that I can't help it. Whenever I get sick, it just seems to hit full-force, every single time.
And we have attributed this to the fact that, well, I never get sick. If you never get sick, then you never know how to deal with any cold that comes around. Your body goes into panic mode and you have trouble with sickness tolerance. Most people will just simply say, I'm sick, and move one. I'll do that too, but then there's hacking, sneezing, and feeling dizzy all the time. It can't be helped-- because I'm never sick as much as everyone else, my body doesn't know how to handle it when it comes around.
And so all of that pride I've always had in a strong immune system... Well, I can't really take the dumb thing for granted anymore. At least not when I'm currently rushing through another streak of sore throat and congestion.
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