Maybe a thousand words, maybe not

I was rereading through the blog I used to keep a long time ago. After the first one, I realized that that blog had been kept sometime AFTER I graduated from high school. I guess I can't very well say that I wrote a lot of those entries during my "high school, drama queen, emo years" anymore. Because apparently, up until 2005 while still in college, I still had a very drama queen-esque mind set. I almost can't even remember what life was like for me during those first few years in college; all I can recall is tons of school work, tons of slacking and tons of boredom. Oh yea, and I spent those first two to three years in college not quite knowing what to do with myself.

Anyway, the following is a post I had written as one of my few first blog posts "back in the day". I've edited it just a little bit, but the gist of it all is the same as when I'd written it. Thought I'd share some of my younger thoughts that are somewhat "non-emo" even IF they are extremely exaggerated. I'm just amused at some of the ways I've described things:

On October 18, 2002 at 5:53 P.M. ani wrote:

A Story Can Be a Thousand Words

Ever since I began writing fanfiction, I'd thought that I had found something that I was good at.

My friends all have some sort of fine arts-y type creative talent or skill. A few sing, a few write awesome poetry, one or two have an incredible talent in drawing, sketching, painting... art stuff. They're all just so good and I've always wanted to be able to do something out of the ordinary.

Not solely anything like getting good grades at school. Anybody can do that if they just set their minds to it. No offense to anyone out there, but academically, ANY person is able to get good grades.

But talent, creative talent: singing, dancing, painting... stuff like that... and even sports... All of that... I don't have anything like that.

My voice sounds like a scratched up metal can lodged in a donkey's throat: "Hee haw!" I am NOT coordinated and thus dancing is out of the question. I was once told that I was dyslexic... that means unable to tell left from right... right? I trace... no sketching, no painting, no drawing... I trace... -_- As for sports... refer to the fact that I am not well coordinated and thus, no way will I be able to catch a fly ball. Besides, I'm not in shape enough to even run the length of a basement room without grabbing for an oxygen tank.

All in all -- I've got nothing going for me. At least that's what I'd always thought. In my mind, academic achievement just doesn't outshine anyone at all and it doesn't... well, shine or stand out at all.

I mean, how many people out there are really popular nerds? No offense to anyone at all. Take a poll of all the "popular" kids in your high school. How many of them don't have some sort of extra-curricular activity going for them or some sort of creative talent? I know for a fact that those at my old high school were all in some way related to the football team, the dance team, the cheer squad or the fine arts department. And people like me... well...........

But to the point now: (finally) I discovered my talent two years... actually three years ago. I love to write, which is basically what I'm doing right now, even though this is just a blog. I write stories and stuff.

However, I'm almost afraid that my writing inspirations are beginning to wane and that my writing skills and style are beginning to dissipate. It's scaring me that soon, I probably won't even be able to write another story... or finish the ones I've begun because my skills are beginning to go away.

It was never a natural thing for me. I've always written stories... they were just never good enough. I just like writing, even though I don't have what it takes for a true author to shine.

So does this count as a talent?

Dramatic much? I guess I never really grew up from my high school drama years until A LOT later on in my life. Maybe in the year 2008 when I started this very blog? Or maybe in 2005 when I finally stopped blogging in my old blog? I'm not saying that I'm completely drama-free, but I've stopped exaggerating a lot of things. Then again, my writing style was pretty much in the form of exaggerated detail and LOTS of detail, period. I wouldn't even really be able to tell anyone whether or not my blog posts back then were because I was really that dramatic, or if I had written that way just for the added dramatic effect. I totally loved detail and the more the merrier was my stance on writing.

After all, I wanted my blog (which was read only by myself back then) to sound interesting and loud and well... just more exciting than my truly bland life.

But really now: "a scratched up metal can lodged in a donkey's throat"? How in this life did I even come up with something like that? O.o Of course, while a little exaggerated, some of this stuff was true. But in the present, I don't think I would say that my voice sounds akin to a donkey's. Maybe a haggard old woman? :P

I think I bring up this blog post only because I'm kind of in a similar mindset right now -- about my writing. For a while after finishing up school and starting a new job, I had told myself that I would finally be able to start focusing on my writing. I have tons of stories that need to be worked on. At least seven to eight chapters of four or five different stories have been written. But that's about it.

I'm constantly going back and re-reading them so that I can be motivated to continue them. But no new ideas have been coming to me.

And then, a while back, I pretty much quit going back to them because I haven't really been motivated. I WANT dearly to go back and continue, but I find myself doing other things instead. How does one pick up inspiration and motivation for something like this again?

I wouldn't say that my writing is a talent, really. It's just something I do. I love to write and I express myself the best through writing. Why else would I have an ongoing blog? Three blogs, actually (even IF one of them is on hiatus) where I share my thoughts and opinions openly. I haven't quit writing.

Evidence that I continue to write can be found in my drama zone blog. But writing opinions and thoughts about someone else's fictional story is different from creating and writing my own fictional story. At least, in my opinion, it's quite different.

So here I am at a little standstill. Of course, maybe I can just call this a temporary stall in my story writing arena. I still do a lot of writing, but rather than writing my stories, I write reviews and the like. And I also write very detailed, scene-by-scene, outlined summaries of other new story ideas and old story ideas that I have. But nothing is becoming part of the stories I've yet to finish.

Is my writing really a talent? The question comes back around once again. I really don't feel like my writing is any form a type of talent. My best friend believes that I've got a wonderful skill that just needs to be polished.

Maybe I'm just looking into this too much and I just need to relax and let things come as they will.

This brings me to a little question that I was asked not long ago by some high school kid with rose-colored glasses. He wanted to know what kind of talent I had. After all, he was in the school's choir and loved to sing. And so he asked me: "What do you do?"

Perplexed by this question, I just raised a brow and shook my head.

"What kind of talent do you have? Everyone has a talent!"

I pretty much just scoffed at his question. "I work for a living."

"No. I meant, what skills do you know? Like singing or dancing or art?"

Again, I scoffed. "Look kid, in this day and age, having a talent doesn't put food on the table. I'm not in high school anymore. My talent is going to work and making money. Case closed."

Now that I think about it, was I maybe being too harsh on the little guy? Because I then proceeded to tell him that in the real world, talents don't matter unless they can make you a hefty sum of money. And that once he grew up and became a real adult, he'd understand why having a talent really doesn't mean anything.

Anyway... until I can figure out what to do with my so-called talent, I guess I'll just continue to do what I do best. Procrastinate and use my writing skills to blog about random opinions and the like.

Also, I think after a couple years of being a nerd, I finally decided that being a celebrated nerd wasn't a bad idea after all.

Changes, heat, and more stuff

My room has come across a transformation and has been able to remain the cleanest since sometime in my childhood. For the seven and a half to eight years that I was in college, I believe that I sometimes couldn't even see much of my bedroom floor. Textbooks, notebooks, and random handouts were always strewn across the floor around my desk. And what's worse, I never really studied in my own room anyway; my computer had been occupying space in my brother's room due to age old RPG-gaming after I started college. So more textbooks and notebooks were laying around my computer in HIS room as well.

After finally getting that long awaiting degree and getting a job, I moved all of my personal possessions back to my room. After all, I was working a third shift schedule and tended to stay awake way passed everyone's bedtime whenever I wasn't at work. So that just meant that it would only be respectful if I didn't hang around on my computer in my brother's room while he was sleeping.

Nearly two weeks ago, I finally got rid of my old toy bed that you could feel the coiled springs through and got myself a mattress and box spring set with pillow top.

It's amazing how different changing a mattress set can feel. No more sleepless nights (or rather mornings, for me). I feel like this has been the best investment I've made in seven years (or longer, cause I don't even remember how long I'd been sleeping on the sad excuse for a bed).

Along with a new bed, my room was rearranged, and I made up my mind to go through all of my personal items and get rid of what I didn't need. At least 50% of my wardrobe ended up in large bags, packed up and shipped off to the Salvation Army. A few select books on my tiny shelf ended up being packed away as well, ready to be taken to a used book store, or the library. and truth be told, THAT got rid of a lot of unnecessary crap in my room. I even pulled out some shoe boxes full of random knick knacks that I wondered why I was keeping. Without any use for them, they went in the trash and I rid myself of unnecessary clutter.

The next step: My closet in which is stored years worth of college class notes, including the most recent Medical Technology stuff (two crates full and then some). But at this point in time, I'm just feeling no motivation to go through all that paperwork and determine what I need to keep and what I need to throw away. My intention is to transcribe all my notes into some form of Word file and just keep everything in a flash drive and then get rid of the hard copies. But I haven't been able to make myself do that yet -- it just feels like too much work.

But nonetheless, as long as no one looks in my closet, the rest of my room looks fairly clean and decent. At least my parents are happy that my room isn't a tornado blown disaster anymore. I kept telling myself that I give my room another few weeks before it becomes a pigsty again, but to be honest, having a clutter-free clean room to begin with makes keeping a room clean a bit easier. So maybe this will last longer than I'm expecting-- I should have more faith in myself.

Although I AM still trying to figure out where I can put certain things instead of just on the floor by my desk. And some random bottles of water have managed to pile up on my desk already... they just need to be thrown away really...

***

In other news, the weather in this darned city continues to be scorching hot. Storms are supposed to happen soon, but we'll see whether or not they even help. My lovely friend from Georgia is claiming that there is no such thing as heat ever since she'd come back into town for a few days. She's used to the heat where she lives, but it has also dropped to the mid-nineties ever since she'd been in town anyway. Go figure.

Life is thus far, quite steady with no random excitements.

And so it all starts...

anicabyss' drama zone

It's starting all over again. My blogging life in the fictional world... Otherwise, I might go crazy with all those thoughts I have bounding around my brain about things I've seen and things I wonder about. Don't mind me. I live separate lives anyway and with the initial split into animanga zone two years ago, it was a matter of time before it happened again.

Just bear with me and, as with the first separate blogging life, this blog won't be mentioned again.

For more information about how this new blog came about, you can read the first article here: "and so it continues..."