I've come to the conclusion that the holidays are some of the most depressing times in the entire year. Or I could just be a regularly boring and depressing person. It's hard to say what comes first: my own sense of melancholy or a lonely imitation of holiday highs. Either way, ever since a few years back, I've begun to associate the holidays (subconsciously) with a melancholic loneliness; maybe it was about two or three years ago that I began to acknowledge this fact. When did it actually start that I stopped caring about the holiday season?
Who knows?
Returning to some old journal entries and blog posts for Decembers in the past, I've come to find that my thoughts never stray too far from melodramatic woes. There are some specific common factors that even accompany these low moments, on repeat: 1) angry holiday shopping and shoving and cursing and more shoving; 2) unexplained bipolar tendencies wherein I go from excited about one moment only to follow through almost too quickly with a sudden low that makes my heart hurt; 3) the resentment I hold towards people around me (in general) and also towards my older brother (mainly) for the fact that I've made myself into an outcast; and finally, 4) a strange regret that I can't find any reason to be excited about the holiday seasons anymore, and because of that, I'm sad about it.
Life does amusing things to your head once you start thinking too hard. And then even happy thoughts can lead to hypothetical "What if I disappeared from this world tomorrow? Who would care?" questions. Where do I stand in this life time with all of my friends and all of my family? Where do I stand with myself? What do I want? What DO I want?
What do I want?
A little research into the past didn't quite clear up my curiosities. I wanted to see when it was that I actually stopped caring about the holidays. It turns out that nowhere do I make mention about anything to do with my melancholy during the holidays. I talk about a lot of other things I'm preoccupied with such as books (mainly Harry Potter, apparently), upcoming tests, upcoming holiday vacations and the like. And then there's a lull from 2005 until 2007 when either I just didn't feel motivated to write or I didn't have time. And then, in a private journal entry in 2007, I think I make the connection for the first time that Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas of my childhood anymore.
What happened in 2007? Where did that revelation come from? Did I already feel this way before then and just didn't realize it? Or was that feeling just never written down on paper because I never had the time for private journal mutterings?
I'm having snippet flash backs of a possible connection to Faith Hill's "Where Are You Christmas?" that might have catalyzed my "holiday emo" era. The song is quite depressing until you get the last verse where it finally picks back up when she "finds Christmas" again. But you're already put into a jaded mood from the beginning of the song. This would put my issues back into high school in the year 2000. So it's not right, because back then (as I am slightly today) I was a big drama queen and overdid EVERYTHING. Maybe there was carry-over and I just didn't realize it.
And then college came around the corner and I didn't have the time to think about Christmas losing its magic for me.
So apparently going back and looking at old histories of "The Life of Ani" doesn't really do squat to help pinpoint my frustrations. Of course, it's not like it would have helped my case anyway; it doesn't help bring back my cheer. Instead, I'm finding that it's just further escalating that sense of boredom accompanied by a very dormant yearning for the holidays to actually MAKE me excited again.
Really... I really DO want to feel happy about the holidays. I don't want to drive by lights and Christmas decorations or listen to holiday music or hear about seasonal celebrations only to come up with one single depressing thought:
"I really wish I could feel excited about life again."
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