A rather bland update

In case anyone at all (reader population unknown, but probably less than a 2-digit number) cares to know, I've been chugging along this boring and monotonous life like I'm going to live forever. Every day is another "I can do that tomorrow" day and so I spend endless hours reading books, watching movies, and listening to music.

I've recently picked up a passion for Korean drama. I had been interested in the K-drama arena for a long time, but nothing had ever really enticed me to do anything but consider watching; then my parents picked up their passion for Korean drama and it gave me more of an interest.

And then I watched a particular one called You're Beautiful and despite the extravagant and overdone costuming and make-up of the cast members, I was hooked. I'm a sucker for romantic-comedies after all, and I've always liked the old fashion "girl crossdressing as boy" plot line. Throw in a few good-looking men, some really catchy music, and the next thing you know, I'm a fan of the Korean entertainment industry.

Now I'm a follower of Korean drama and have found myself a whole new band to stalk on the internet. I've always been a follower of different Asian music artists, so this isn't too big of a surprise. Of course, I'm still a bit choosy about what I watch-- Korea has always had a trend set for tragic story lines and I'm an avid supporter of happy endings. So hopefully I don't run into anything that be too depressing.

Of course, I must say, Korean actors are seriously good at their crying scenes. You really just feel for them and can't help but to shed a few tears as well. Even IF you're a heartless soul of cold stone like myself. :D

Anyway, aside from being a lazy couch potato at home, I've been working and working and working. And then I've decided that I want to diversify myself by being adept at many different languages. Since I'm already bilingual and I have a better affinity for Asian languages anyway, I'm going to start with Korean and Japanese with a side of learning how to read and write Chinese characters (something I should have started a long, long, long time ago. Later, I'll consider something new, like maybe French or even Russian. And I'll also have to brush up on the Spanish that I had learned throughout highschool because even after five straight years of learning the language, I think the extent of my conversational Spanish is pretty much asking where I can find the bathroom.

Ten years... and counting... reluctantly

So the inevitable has happened.

A ten year reunion. Messages start to appear and everyone's planning, getting ideas, making arrangements, asking for volunteer helpers.

Ten years.

I now remind myself that I am officially in my late twenties, about to be reminded that I have been out of high school for ten years already. Of course, this isn't as bad (or maybe it is) as the little girl I work with pointing out that I am ten years older than she is. I had grunted and said, "That's not true, there are only nine years between seventeen and twenty-six."

And so let the melancholy begin.

I think I just need to convince myself that being "almost thirty" is really not that big of a deal. At least it's probably not that big of a deal for a lot of people who already have ideal careers, family and have lived.

I have two degrees and two part-time jobs, no boyfriend, and I still live with my entire family I've been living with since I was born.

Really... I think the only thing I've accomplished proudly is getting a brand new car and paying for it myself.

Terrible weather, terrible weekend, terrible me

So I had a long and agonizingly boring weekend. But yes, it was all my own fault. I should have just dismissed all the talk about storms and showers and whatnot and I should have just gone to Kansas City like I had planned. Instead, like a good little girl, I listened to my parents and chose not to make that long three hour drive to visit with my best friend.

I'm a horrible person. I made plans, I got all excited, my best friend got all excited, but as soon as Mom and Dad said, "You should reschedule because of the storm," I unhesitatingly said, "Yea, you guys are probably right."

And then what happened? Wichita was a very nice, peaceful and sunny weekend. Granted, apparently Kansas City was storming up like crazy, I don't think I would have hit any bad weather on my drive.

I'm so stupid that I amaze myself.

And so, out of spite, which no one seemed to pick up, I just moped around and stayed in my room all weekend-- just like an emo high school teenager who just got grounded by her parents.

OH. MY. GOD.

What the heck am I? I'm not a teenager anymore; I'm a grown adult who can make decisions on my own and will suffer the consequences of driving in a storm for three hours to visit my best friend.

What the hell was I thinking anyway?

I feel so embarrassed just thinking about it that I've been berating myself ever since the weekend ended and I realized that we actually had quite good weather. And my parents walked around talking about how business at work had been slow lately, probably because people were going out of town or something.

What the hell?!!

But I did it. It was all my own fault and my own doing. I should have just stuck with the plans and told Mom and Dad that everything would be just fine and I would make it there and back in one piece.

My days have been melancholic as thus.

Because no matter what it is that's going on, I have a feeling that my parents are more against me going out and having fun than they are with my brothers. I've been sitting around at home every evening and my days consist of waiting for work and then waiting for sleep. I try to help out around the house with chores and all, but that really doesn't make my day go by any faster.

And then when I decide to make plans for myself, I suddenly get this weird feeling that neither of my parents are very supportive of my actually having a social life outside of home and work. It's like, they think I shouldn't be out having fun and should be home doing chores like making dinner, doing laundry or cleaning house.

That's how I felt when I told my parents that I was going to Kansas City to visit my best friend for a few days.

"Oh... you're going to Kansas City?"

And that's the last I heard of them saying anything about it and they then kept forgetting that I had made plans to do as much for the weekend. And then when that supposed "storm" was coming into Wichita, they very gleefully told me that I needed to stay home because of the weather, "suggesting" that I reschedule for another weekend. And of course, no one, not even me, considered that the storm was coming into Wichita and not Kansas City and that the drive there would probably be just fine and nice.

I'm stupid. I know. I need to learn how to think things over.

So I disappointed my best friend and disappointed myself. And I even told my boss that I could not work that weekend because I would be out of town.

***

Trudging around the house looking like a lost soul doesn't help my case either. It's really funny how as soon as my brother looks like he's not going out and being bored at home, Mom immediately worries about him and tells me to hang out with him more and blah, blah, blah... But I've been moping around the house for months since my best friend left the city for her new job. But there has been no word about my being bored and lifeless and needing some companionship.

Mom just simply asks: "What's wrong with you?" Or something to that extent in Chinese. And when I shrug my shoulders and say that I have nothing to do, she replies with, "Well, staying home and not going out means that you spend less money."

And our conversation ends there.

And Dad's even more direct with his response to my boredom: "You can help clean house and make dinner and learn how to cook better."

I feel like I've lost my will to live a full and exciting life now. My goal is to survive my family for the rest of my life. How sad is that?

Anyway...

With this ranting gone and done, I still feel no satisfaction, but at least I know why I've been so bored lately. My parents encourage my brothers to go out and make friends. They then turn around and encourage me to stop going out because it would involve spending money.

I guess they've forgotten that, even whenever I go out, I have never spent more money than any of my brothers. I have a savings account and I have a car paid off earlier than planned. And while I ended up not going to Kansas City, I still ended up buying a few games online with a simple click of a PayPal button. I think I spent more money holing myself up at home than I would have had I gone to Kansas City.

PayPal is a very dangerous easy shopper concept...

***

In other news, my motivation to continue writing has come to a halt, but my desire to continue writing is still hanging like a haunting ghost. I've tried what I can to get things rolling, but instead of working on things that are in progress, I'm brainstorming new material for newer plots.

It's a shame I can't just come up with a plot, snap my fingers and get the story to write itself. Not to brag or anything, but I think I'm rather good at coming up with characters and back story and story plots. It's the writing process that's getting me where it hurts the most.

***

Oh yes, and a new blog layout. I thought it was time for a change.

I was not meant to fly

As the post title says, I was not meant to fly.

Last week I was sent to North Carolina for job training. While I don't mind having a bit of a vacation and time away from home, I had thoroughly decided that I cannot really tolerate going anywhere by plane. Coming home from North Carolina was the most stressful four hours I've had in a long time. Because not only was my first flight delayed to the point that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to catch my connection flight, but my second flight was also delayed and then it was "rocky" the entire flight.

I know that this is probably something that fairly normal for people who fly all the time. You get delays, you get turbulence, you spend a lot of time trying to find the correct gate, running across the entire span of Atlanta's airport while people in front of you hog the entirety of the escalator, chatting freely when you need to get by in a rush. And then when you ask if they could, maybe please let you go by because you're in a hurry, they give you dirty looks.

And the staff of the airport don't make things easy on you either. Telling me that thirty minutes is plenty of time for me to catch my connection flight was NOT something that would placate my nerves. Arriving in Atlanta at 8:25 PM and having a flight at 8:55 PM was enough to make me want to hurl something or cry. I really wanted to ask the girl whether or not she'd actually seen Atlanta's airport, because thirty minutes was not enough time to wait for your carry-on and then speed from a Gate A12 to Gate C38.

Of course, I made it in time to realize that my connection flight had been delayed by twenty minutes anyway.

Go figure. I make a big fuss about not getting to my flight on time and I find out that I had plenty of time to move slowly. And thanks to the guy who happily checked some carry-on bags so that they would be transferred from one plane to another due to lack of space in the overhead compartments for carry-on luggage, I didn't have to wait to pick up my bag and could just rush off to my next gate.

So... I guess it really wasn't that bad once I made it onto my next plane and got home.

But still... for someone who has flown for a total of three trips within the year, I think I've reached my quota and I shall gladly stay on the ground.

***

North Carolina was very green. I saw the ground from my window seat on the flight there. A very pretty place with lots of trees and grass and lots of land. The training was two days and so I was pretty much there and back and it felt like I hadn't even really been out of town. It was a nice place, but it felt much more stressful than my trip to Chicago only because I hadn't had time to adjust before I needed to readjust to my sleeping schedule. For two days, I had to make sure to wake up in the morning and actually sleep during the nighttime. And as soon as I was adjusted, I got home and needed to figure out how to switch back to staying up all night for my shift the next day... well, the next night.

This switching back and forth isn't too bad if I didn't have such a set time to be up and go to sleep. Then again, the hotel room was an actual suite with a living room, kitchen and a bedroom, so at least I slept comfortably. I watched television on the couch until I was sleepy enough to transfer myself to the bed and then watched television on the bed until I finally fell asleep. It would have been nice to stay in that suite for an extra few days instead of just two nights. And so maybe in the future, just for the heck of it, I'll take a nice road trip somewhere and stay in a hotel for the weekend or something just to relax... even if I don't go anywhere.

Sometimes, you just need to be away from home and have a hotel room all to yourself. It's actually pretty darn nice.

When I was in Chicago, it felt pretty nice to have a hotel room to myself for four nights in a row. I could spread all of my clothes out on one bed, sprawl myself out on the other and just be lazy all evening until it was time to sleep. I could call room service for dinner and just walk around like I owned the place.

***

In other news, third shift is good to me, I'm going to be seeing my best friend in a few days and I have gotten myself a new computer to replace the one that has been breaking on me. My brother is going to try to spend the summer figuring out what had happened to that computer; it's not old, but it likes to crash at random times and as I am not a very computer savvy type, I was starting to get a little annoyed that I didn't know what was wrong with it, my brothers hadn't been able to figure out what was wrong with it, and it was just being so random that I would probably end up throwing it out the window before my brothers got around to doing some more in-depth investigation.

Oh, and I think those sneaky wisdom teeth of mine have finally decided that it's time to torment.

Anyway... blogging is pretty fun. I really, really should get back into it more often. It's just that, a lot of things I want to talk about have to do with work, but where I work, I absolutely CANNOT say a lot of things as according to HIPAA. And so rather than trying to pick and choose my stories and heavily editing it so that it's appropriate, I've chose just to be safe and not talk about my job at all if I can help it. I can talk about my other job... but who wants to hear me whine and complain about the part-time food service/hospitality job I do and all the irrational people I meet regularly? :D

February snow and a few possible resolutions that may or may not occur

I promise nothing; I'm merely trying a new tact at making life a little less monotonous. But I promise nothing.

It's February and this is the first time I've found myself in a blog post since the new year started. Sadly, 2011 doesn't seem to promise anymore excitement than people would expect, but of course, 99% of my monotony is my own doing. And so with a long blog post title, I've come to try reasoning with myself that I need to switch up the monotony with a little more motivation.

The past few weeks have become rather exciting in regards to my plans for the next couple weeks. I've been spending time playing computer games with my brothers and I've been watching movies and television (the foreign kind) nonstop. I've been stealing glances at my brother's keyboard with temptations to play but with no motivation, however, I will work on that. I've been told that I will be heading out of state for some work-related training which will take place both next week and later on in March.

And then there's that trip to Georgia I'm taking to visit one of my closest friends. My best friend has been hired for a position out of town and so now I have reasons to visit Kansas City every few weekends.

Finally, I've chosen to join the YMCA in order to get my butt in shape and to at least tell myself that I've been able to do something about my obesity. Of course, not even one day after I joined a freakin' gym, Kansas froze over and I regretfully stayed away from the outdoors for the entire snow storm unless I needed to be at work. And, of course, the snow storm continues on and I have chosen to stay home. I think there's some higher force out there testing my patience and my motivation.

My motivation, unfortunately, does not out-weigh the need to stay in a nice warm house and watch television.

***

The weather has honestly not been too bad. I really like the winter season. Images of sitting around a fireplace drinking hot chocolate, eating random snacks and chit-chatting with friends comes into mind. But, of course, the reality is that we have traffic accidents, harsh, bitter winds, and school closings. I'm glad I have a nice vehicle that can handle the winter roads, otherwise, I would be adamant about going anywhere at all.

But hopefully this weather lets up soon. My goal had been to at least lose five to ten pounds by the time my trip to Georgia came around. One months should be enough, I've been telling myself, but my motivation for exercise really gets trumped too easily. Regulating my diet doesn't seem to be an answer as I have no way of making myself stop eating junk food or fast food or stop eating excessively, period. My only hope is that exercising will at least regulate my weight so that it doesn't keep getting higher, even if it doesn't go lower.

***

My manager is sending me to Illinois this coming Sunday for a four day training course. This will be a new change of pace in my monotony, and maybe after that, I can try to bring up the desire to do other things instead of just sitting at home all day long. I've never been on a "business" trip before and this will be interesting as I have always gone out of town with friends or family for leisure only and without set itineraries.

***

So with that, I'm hoping that my blogging life will also begin to see new sights. I do miss being able to just randomly spout things and then come back and read them at a later date. As much as I hate to boast, I really, really love to write and I really, really love to reread things that I've written in the past.

So the last time I blogged religously was...

I had posted a few days ago from a work computer during my "break time". But I hadn't checked that post because I can't view my own blog from any work computer. It's filed as "Entertainment" and so has been denied. Somehow, I can still get onto the "backstage" part of my blogger page and post something.

Weird...

So it seems that this year, blogging had not been my priority. I note that there are probably seven days in the entire year that I got onto my computer and said, "Hey, there's something I want to write down an share with random people on the internet who may or may not care." Including this one, it'll be the eighth and probably the only other one for this year of 2010.

Maybe my New Years resolution should be to try blogging more often...

Yeah, right.

We all know that I don't make New Year's resolutions because the likelihood of follow-up is a very low percentage and that would only make me feel more pathetic and guilty in my already feeble life. New Year's resolutions are not my way of life anyway. If there's something pressing that I want to get accomplished, I don't need to wait until the new year to make my resolve.

My mindset will be stationed at: "Well, I have all year..." And the next thing you know, the matter will be set aside and by the time I come across it again, it'll be December and so I'll probably put it off for the next year. "I will definitely get this done after the new year starts..."

To be totally honest, I'm not sure what has been keeping me from blogging.

At the beginning of the year, I was buried in study guides, student clinical rotations, exams and stress. After all of that was finished and done, I think I pretty much just lost motivation to write about anything else. A couple posts here and there about something interesting that had happened, or something that was bugging me were written, but I can't really say that I've dedicated more time to blogging now that I have more time.

As previous posts have mentioned, life holds no more excitement for me now that I've accomplished the biggest thing I need to accomplish. I finished school, I got a job. Now I sit at home everyday when I'm not at work and I really don't have the motivation to go anywhere even if I'm invited.

The past week has been the most I've left the house for reasons other than work since one of my closest friends left the state to pursue her own future and new life.

But anyway, let's not dwell on my lamentable lifestyle-- it'll only make me and everyone else more irritated.

***

The holidays are coming to an end after this week and tomorrow for the last day of 2010, I will be working at the good old hotel where dinner parties are taking place become someone wants to get married on New Year's Eve. While I understand that a lot of people have their weddings on holidays for reasons of remembering their wedding date, or just because they want to (maybe it's special to them somehow), I really think it's kind of tacky. But then again, I've never been in a serious relationship and a wedding is not in my future, so maybe getting married on a holiday is meaningful in one way or another for some.

But that only means that a crew of people will be working on a night that they would rather be somewhere else.

There are lots of nights that I would rather be somewhere else but at work, but that's only because I'm lazy. I will work no matter what because it means more hours and more money and something to do, however, because I currently have no outstanding social life to brag about. It's all good for me and my bank account.

In other news, I am currently trying my hand at piano. I've been slacking off however, because no matter how much I want to learn, I think there's this mental barrier keeping me from fully committing to playing just because my brother is already pretty good at it and the keyboard is in his general area of the house. I feel like I don't want to do the same things that my brothers do... Maybe I should pick up some other type of talent.

***

Anyway, this post has been more or less insignificant because I've dragged on about nothing in particular. Hopefully the new year holds more significance.

Happy Holidays... or something to that extent...

It's about three hours into Christmas Day and I’m running third shift lab like a zombie. Life is freezing cold and even hot chocolate does not help. So it’s a good thing that I’ve layered up with excess undershirts and whatnot.

Can we remember what it was like in the past when we actually looked forward to the Christmas season? Well, if everyone else can, then obviously I’m of the 5% who doesn't.

I can honestly say that in the past during my teenage years or childhood, there must have been a time when I was always jumping for joy because of the holidays. The idea of a white, snowy Christmas with holiday music, hot chocolate, yummy cookies and cakes, and a nice big scrumptious Christmas dinner consisting of Mom and Dad’s best fixings would always perk up my excitement by multitudes. Christmas was always something to look forward to for reasons that only childhood me could have ever understood.

This year for Christmas, I looked forward to two things: 1) one of my best friends coming back into town and 2) double pay for a worked holiday.

I feel I’ve lost my compassion for the joys of life that eight year old Ani must have enjoyed with all the vigor and energy that she could muster up. The Ani of today has absolutely no energy reserve to even consider getting excited over Christmas candies, cookies, cakes and dinner. Long ago, I lost interest in decorating or sending everyone I knew Christmas cards. If I remember correctly, the last time I even put a Christmas card in someone’s box was back in high school. The last time that I tried to surprise someone with a Christmas gift wrapped up all pretty was sometime in high school as well.

After high school, I got caught up in college and work and simply decided not to go through the trouble of sending cards or wrapping presents. My two closest friends receive gifts of their choosing, unwrapped, I receive gifts from them of my choosing, also unwrapped, we have dinner together and then Christmas is done and over with.

Oh yes, and then there are those work-related parties that I get invited to that I usually don’t attend, as well as the family dinner that sometimes doesn’t happen.

Have I really lost my sense of excitement?

I’ve always been someone who can be easily amused by the little things in life. In fact, I preach the necessity to be able to enjoy simplicity to its fullest, because if you can’t, then the big things that happen just don’t seem as great. But the holidays have become just another chaotic duration of time in which people spend money, eat lots of food and get fairly impatient because everyone else is doing the exact same thing at the exact same time and thus no one is getting immediate service like they think they should be getting.

I swear that around Christmas and Thanksgiving is when I typically see the angriest shoppers in history. People are cutting in line, people are arguing with clerks, and people are shoving each other around. Gifts are bought before Christmas and given away and then two days later everything is returned in the same typical manner as the way they were bought; with lots of shoving and yelling.

Can you see why the holidays may seem a bit depressing from an outsider’s standpoint?

On top of that, holiday bars are the worst to work since everyone’s already spent all their money on gifts and decorations and food and other goodies. And so no one is willing to tip and you leave the bar with a handful of dollars, probably not even enough to pay for the gas that you had to spend getting to work in the first place. Boy am I glad I have a nicer job aside from bartending.

Anyway, for those of you still able to enjoy the lovely Christmas cheer, have a good one and Happy Holidays.

Where do we go from here?

So life has been quite hectic these past few months. Between finishing up school, getting a job and studying all the time, it felt like I had absolutely no time to do anything else. When I wasn't at home, I was at the hospital attending clinical rotations and learning about how a laboratory functioned. When I was at home, I would be sitting at my desk reading textbooks, reviewing notes, answering study guide questions, and trying very hard not to let my mind wander.

But even with such a hectic schedule, I had things to look forward to all the time. I dreaded my next exam; I longed for the day that clinical rotations would come to an end; I bided my time until the Board of Registry exam came around. Each week was a week closer to finishing up my short-term career goal. Each day I looked forward to going home so I could sit and study. Every other Friday, I looked forward to taking my exams and getting them over with so that I had an excuse to relax over the weekend.

But then when school finally finished and work began, it somehow felt like everything slowed to a near stop. Each day is another day for going to work and training for weeks until I will be ready officially begin my position without direct supervision. The end of training and the beginning of my offical position is the next big thing that I am anticipating.

But then what do I look forward to after that?

I'm not saying that I'm not happy with school being over-- in fact, I'm ecstatic that I don't have to worry about studying non-stop every single day. I'm glad that I've accomplished everything necessary to jump start my career. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss being a student and going to classes regularly. After all, I was in school for so long that it feels only natural to be in a classroom.

Call me a nerd: if money weren't an issue, I wouldn't mind going to classes and learning all sorts of different things. (In fact, I may even think about picking up some random recreational classes around town to learn something new.)

But the fact of the matter is, I feel like I've got nothing else to look forward to except for the next day wherein I continue to go to work in the morning and then come home and sit at my computer, looking for something to keep me entertained.

Maybe I'm just suffering from some form of best friend withdrawal since one of my closest friends just recently left home to establish a new life in a different city, far, far away. The feeling isn't too different right now, as I rarely see any of my closest friends anyway; but I'm sure that melancholy is going to catch up to me when one day in the next few weeks, I feel like going out to eat and my usual dinner buddy is in a different state.

Yea... I lead a rather pathetic life. I'm a hermit who never leaves the house. The only times I ever bother going anywhere is if I'm invited out to some sort of get together or if my friend calls and asks if I'd like to have dinner somewhere. Otherwise, I'm not the type to plan anything. Of course, every so often, I might be the one who calls to see what people are doing. But then, otherwise, I just sit at home and spend the evening being lazy.

My other best friend, I never get to see regularly at all. Other close friends have other close friends. Life feels so monotonous suddenly. And I know I shouldn't be complaining; after all, I'm the one who chooses not to get up and go out and do something. I'm the one who chooses to sit at home all evening staring at television series or movies. I'm the one who chooses to have such a small circle of friends that when one leaves, I'm down to fifty percent.

And then, I know that I should really just enjoy the monotony while it lasts. After all, this is a good chance for me to relax until the next big thing. But I think the question is: What IS the next big thing? Do we really need a next big thing?

So, to address the question again: Where do I go from here?

A random thought about life

Sometimes I feel like my world is extremely small. I'm a simple person who thinks of simple things and becomes amused at simple things. I will laugh at random things even if nobody does and become excited over random things even if it's not a big deal.

Ambition isn't in my vocabulary at all.

My world is just very small and simple and narrow. It's hard for people to enter into it because there is very little room to spare. And it's very easy for people to wander back out of it, or get pushed back out of it because remaining in it is limited. Finally, it's a very easily forgotten place because its so small and simple.

For those who can step into my world, my closest friends, my family... I'm glad you've made the effort to remain by my side. It's a major feat on its own and you all are very brave. And if any of you are to one day wander out of my world, please don't forget about that little place where you've made your residence for so long.

Because, for the most part, I'll still be here in my own little world waiting to be discovered again. Because my small and simple and narrow world has never had the courage to explore realms beyond.

To reminisce... is sometimes a bit depressing...

I haven't written a blog post in forever, it seems. Of course, the last one was only a month ago and I jumped onto a soap box about stuff I probably don't really understand. And that's just how my posts end up going. I hear something, I form an opinion, and then I rant about it. I may or may not know what I'm talking about. Of course, for the last post, I promise that I DID research the entire story before I said anything. I may not have researched the entire issue, but I got enough to create an objective opinion-- at least I hope that I did.

Whenever I blog, I typically have something I really want to share with people. It's not always interesting, and I'm sure a lot of times, people roll their eyes and wonder, "What the heck kind of point is she trying to make?" Well, my answer is not going to be satisfactory-- sometimes there IS no point to make. I just write whatever popped into my head to begin with.

And I'm also guilty of trying too hard to build up an introductory to my intended topic. It's a way of making my blog posts much longer and seeing how long my readers will stay with me. I apologize, cause I know that's a lame way of doing things.

And I admit that these past few paragraphs have done exact that.

Anyway, moving into the actual topic that I had intended to write about in the first place, I advise readers to skip out if you don't want to be bored with my history of drama queen randomness. But before anyone rolls their eyes and think, "Here she goes again with dramatic woe is me stories..." I'd like to clarify that I'm not in a bad mood today, I'm not trying to be dramatic for full sympathetic effect, and I've not been wronged in anyway at all today. I'm actually in a rather neutral to good mood, but I just happened to think back about some things in my past.

Has anyone ever had those moments as well? You're sitting by yourself, listening to music and random thoughts just come to invade your mind. Questions, mind-rambling... reminiscing happens as well. It comes to me a lot cause I'm usually sitting by myself listening to music if I'm not studying or watching television. Or even when you're in the shower and all you hear is the soothing rush of shower water falling down.

Sometimes I'm guilty of thinking too much-- I admit this. Thoughts end up building on thoughts and the next thing you know, you've either built up some sort of fabricated story of how current situations will escalate in the future, or you've recreated a random memory of your own past that you had never intended to think about in the first place. Be it good or bad, it's there nonetheless.

Today, mine was in a flash of a couple of memories that lead to one particular memory that had ended up creating the drama queen I had been in high school and the indifferent prick I am today. I guess "indifferent prick" shouldn't be the word to use, but I have to admit that I'm much more laid back and less compassionate about things than I used to be. And sometimes, when things happen to people around me, my reaction is typically calm and indifferent.

I grew up in a family where we truly endorsed the "Children should be seen and not heard" unofficial rule. I recall spending my time being a talkative brat while I was still going through elemetary school. I even had a nickname, "Baat Mui" that my parents used to call me all the time. Roughly translated, it means "Gossip Girl". The connotation of the the nickname, however, was simply that I loved to talk about everything, no matter what it was, and that I would never shut up. Thinking back, I'm not sure how I felt about that nickname because I was always a stupid kid-- I was slow on picking up whenever people were making fun of me, or whenever people just wanted me to shut up and sit still like a good little girl.

I always talked. But my parents' reactions had always been rather indifferent. I guess I'm overexaggerating when I say that we endosred "Children should be seen and not heard." I was definitely heard; whether or not people wanted to hear me was a different story. But I do know that my opinions were pretty much ignored and I was always told time and time again to be quiet and sit still. I don't recall whether or not my parents bothered to answer all of my curiosity, but a major part of me believes that I was never satisfied in my quest to constantly inquire about things and annoy the heck out of people.

As a contradiciton to the me today, I spent a lot of my childhood being loud and obnoxious. I was shy around strangers when at school, but around home, I was like a parrot. There had never been a time when I didn't tell everyone exactly what I thought when I that young.

But that phase didn't last long.

I think it was a little before I started middle school that I permanently shut my mouth and stopped sharing with everyone what I wanted to say, be it how I was feeling or what piece of news I'd picked up from a relative.

It had slowly sunk in that no one was really listening anyway. And when they WERE listening, they didn't seem to care. It hadn't deterred me. At least it hadn't until one day when we were all together as a family, including my mother's side of the family, celebrating something that I don't remember. Pictures were being taken and there was food, there was laughter... and then somehow, there was a ton of Ani being made fun of. Something had upset me immensely. I think that I might have felt I was being ignored; I think that I might have felt I was being bullied too much. I think that my brothers were teasing me a little too much, or my mom was randomly saying things about me that hurt my feelings. I think I may have gotten scolded for something I didn't understand.

Whatever it was that happened, I ended up breaking down into tears. And I was young then, barely a teenager, maybe a pre-teen. Maybe this was actually during middle school. I don't remember the actual time frame, but I remember that this DID happen and it affected me immensely.

Crying had always been easy to do because it conveyed the strongest feeling I'd have whenver I felt like I was wronged somehow. And so I cried. And instead of being consoled or anything, I was asked to leave the room if I couldn't behave. And now that I think about, there's no telling what had happened. Maybe I was throwing a temper tantrum-- maybe I HAD done something so irritating that it merited me being kicked out of the room and thus out of a multiple number of family photos.

And so I obediently left the upstairs and walked down into the basement where I continued to bawl. The rest of the family happily continued to take their family photos and I sat by myself crying until I heard someone coming down the stairs.

To this day, I will never forget what it was that my grandmother told me when she came to get me. Roughly translated from Cantonese, she told me that crying was never the solution to anything and it will only make things worse. She told me that as a woman in this family, I needed to learn how to bottle up my sadness and move on. "Do you know how many times I've wanted to cry before? But my own mother taught me that I should never be heard showing my sadness." "Nei yiu yuun. Yuun m'dou do yiu yuun." In English, "You have to bear it. Even if you can't bear it, you still have to bear it."

Because in this world, she told me, no one really cares when you feel like you've been wronged. No one likes a crybaby and no one wants to deal with a little girl who cries about everything.

Depressing huh? I think back on it now and I kind of have to laugh about this.

The me today has been conditioned since that moment on to stop sharing my feelings with people and stop opening showing emotion if I can help it. If I have to cry, I go to my room, close the door and pretend to be doing my homework or reading-- I crank up some music and I refuse to let anyone see my show any feelings. Over the years, it has become normal for me to keep thoughts to myself and think about what I'm going to say at least ten times before I say it lest I offend someone. Mentally, I've managed to convince myself that if something goes wrong, it's more than likely my fault and I need to be prepared to apologize. I've even gone as far as to always question whether or not people really care about anything I do or say every minute of the day. I naturally wonder whether or not the people I hang out with sometimes even want me around. I've managed to convince myself that I'm an annoying, boring person who no one wants to be around.

All of those thoughts had propelled me into my high school years of being a drama queen who could think of nothing but negative thoughts about myself. My self-esteem plummeted and I became the invisible student that no one really wanted to care about.

Today's Ani really looks back and laughs at my plight in high school. I was a lot luckier than I had ever thought and I was a lot less lonely than I had always told myself. It embarrasses me to even think about how emo and dark I had been secretly, while always acting like I was a lively, caring, and optimistic person. I dearly wanted attention, but as a conflict, my logic would not allow me to do or say anything that would draw attention if I could help it. Because my grandmother had told me that no likes a crybaby. On the outside, I forced myself to be the goody-two shoes nerd girl who every teacher liked and who never got into confrontations or arguments. I wanted to be the type of person that no one would ever hate. I was secretly always feeling lonely and always feeling like no one really cared.

Now that I think about it, I may have created a monster out of myself, because I was pretty good at manipulating people into feeling sympathy for me as the good girl. I may have been this centuries worst kid ever-- I was that girl from stories and movies that I hate so much. I was the girl who always acted like I was a good person, but who subconsciously found ways of making people feel sorry for me. All because I actually wanted attention.

After all, during my youth, growing up with three brothers who were the pride and joy of my parents and being set aside time and time again simply as the girl who was there to help do housechores when I was needed, I felt embittered. My parents were always proud of my older brother and always pampered my younger brothers. My mother always wanted me to be just like my elder brother and do the same things in high school that he had done. I was encouraged to hang out with my brother more often and with his friends-- my parents loved my elder brother's friends. But they never made an effort to get to know any of my friends-- part of that could be because my elder brother was in a group of other Asian people whereas my closest friends were 100% American.

So lacking the attention I hoped for at home, I chose to find subconscious ways of getting attention at school with friends, classmates and complete strangers. But because my grandmother's words continued to echo in the back of my mind, I didn't dare make too big a spectacle of myself. So it's hard to say whether or not I accomplished my goal.

I'm embarrassed to think that this was how I was in the past. I don't quite like myself that way. It's depressing.

The me today can only think back and wish that I never become an emo, depressing and stupid little girl like that again.

I'd like to think that I've matured a lot from those times back in high school. I'm a lot more laid back in the present and my priorities have gone from wanting attention to wanting to accomplish more important goals in my life. I have my studies and I have my future to think about. I stop thinking about depressing things that'll only make me feel like crap for the rest of the day and I have close, very, very close friends who I can actually allow myself to show emotion in front of. I spent years being a girl who never shows her true feelings in front of people, just like my grandmother told me to do. Crying is anathema to my survival and sharing my thoughts is taboo.

But having close friends who I know I can trust has allowed me to be a little more open about my feelings. I don't admit that I'm a hundred percent comfortable with being open and honest with my closest friends, however. So right here and right now, I apologize if it still seems like I keep things from you guys. I'm still at a point where I have reserves about being completely open with anyone, even if you are one of my closest friends. I'm still at a point where I feel like having my own secrets is necessary and keeping some thoughts to myself is the safest way to life. It's not that I don't trust you guys, I'm just not entirely comfortable with opening up to anyone in such a manner. And I apologize profusely, because I know that I'm cared for and that no matter what is said or done, we'll always be together as friends.

But there's still that small little psychological resistance at the back of my mind that tells me, now that I have true friends who have been with me for so many years and who have been there through all of my happinesses and who I can trust with all of my heart... Well, I just don't want to do or say anything unnecessarily that will ruin this bliss. I don't want to be hated-- and because of this, I realize that I might not be the best friend in the world, no matter how hard I try to be a friend. Given time, I'm sure I'll finally break out of my shell.

LOL

I hadn't intended to get so mushy and depressing. After all, I repeat that I had not been in a bad mood when I started writing this blog post. My state of mind earlier had been mellow and good. I was merely reminiscing, but as my title implies, reminiscing about certain things will undoubtly lead to some depressing moments. I apologize for that.

But sometimes when you get on a roll talking about certain aspects of your life like that, you get carried away and say things you hadn't intended to touch upon. And blogging is my way of allowing others to know what I'm truly thinking. Because I'm no good at physical confrontation and I'm no good at verbalizing my thoughts. I'm abnormally adverse to receiving immediately responses to my thoughts when it comes to heartfelt words such as this. I don't like exchanging moments like this face-to-face.

Maybe this is why I write.

Hopefully today's blog post hasn't repulsed away the few friends that I actually have. I had merely intended to share some of my past with everyone in writing and to let everyone know that I'm not the nice and friendly good person people often think of me as. And if you never thought of me as a good person to begin with, then well, there's your proof.

Ani isn't nice and isn't a good friend. Ani is merely a human being trying to get through life without screwing up. And in this aspect, I'm probably trying way too hard; I know I've screwed lots of things up time and time again already. But this is how I am and the me of today has made a promise to myself to learn how to improve my own personality and be more open and optimistic about myself. Even at this age, I'm sure it'll still take quite a bit of time to accomplish.

At this point, my still constantly reminding myself not to keep silent about anything when I'm with my closest friends. If I feel like I need to say something, I tell myself to say it. I've been trying not to think of the consequences of whether or not I would offend. My closest friends and I have never had an argument with each other, and because of that, it worries me whether or not we would be able to handle such a situation that comes about. Just how badly can I possibly offend my best friends without losing their friendship? I've never been lashed out at before by them and it makes me wonder whether we would recover from such a situation. And then on the other hand, I don't want to see that day come because I don't like confrontation and I don't like to argue with people.

Maybe our friendship is just different from other peoples. We don't need to argue with each other in order to strengthen our friendship like many people do. Maybe, with the type of people that we are, we simply need to know that we'll be there for each other all the time and continue to care about each other.

Thirteen years of being togehter as the closest of friends is no small matter. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and to be able to still tolerate each other after so many years-- maybe I'm just being too pessimistic about my own ability to maintain a friendship. Because if I've been kept around as a friend for this long, then there must be something about me that is actually likeable.

Anyway, to anyone who has made it this far, thanks for sticking with my depressing memories and my childish ramblings. To be able to write anything, whether it be depressing or fun is just something I feel good doing.

I promise the next post won't be as depressing and I'll find something random to talk about.