I think I'm well rounded as a private person. I will admit personally that I'm no good when it comes to my social skills. On top of that, I don't know how to deal with people. And so what do I do? I don't. I don't do anything at all.
I've always been like that. Unless someone greets me first, I have reserves about initiating anything along the lines of introductions or small talk. I like to remain in my own little world if possible. This is where I feel comfortable. I know all the people in my little world and I know I don't have to do anything unecessarily excessive.
And maybe I've just never given a care about whether other people care to know that I exist. I have my significant family and friends. And that's enough for me. I'm a very simple person.
Over the past three years of working in a social setting, however, I though that I've at least improved. When I'm at work and facing clients, it's easier for me to smile like an idiot and greet and make small talk. But this is an obligation that comes in tune with working in hospitality-- a customer service necessity. Outside of work, I think I revert back to my old self where I will not look at other people at all unless they are directly related to me somehow-- a friend, a family member, a coworker, some acquaintance I may have met somewhere who looks familiar and who seems to recognize me too.
But of course, I don't take the initiative to meet new people. And then when new people take the initiative to come and say hello... well, I think I become a complete jerk. I clam up; I don't talk; I avoid eye contact; I just avoid, avoid and I avoid.
To tell the truth, I don't know how I feel about that. I'm not sure if I'm doing it out of natural habit or if I'm doing it because I just don't feel comfortable meeting new people. Frankly, I've always liked my life of solitude-- I stay at home and occasionally go out with friends. My hobby involves being by myself as I type away senselessly at works of writing that will probably never be finished.
I'm comfortable with my small circle of people. I live in a small, small bubbly world. It makes me feel at ease and it makes me happy.
And yet I know I want to expand my social circle, even if just a tiny bit. Because I know that it's good to have connections, to have good networking, to have another friend rather than an enemy. I'm always commenting that my best friend needs to learn how to expand her social circle a little bit; that she needs to meet new people, date more guys and not dwell on a seven year relationship that probably isn't even working out. It probably isn't even a seven year relationship, but it's been long enough for her to know whether or not she should move on.
But saying is a lot easier than actually doing. Because I'm the big, crybaby hypocrite who can't even take the time of day to learn how to properly socialize with new people. Because I'm the idiot who would scowl at every man who tries to be friendly. I've already claimed my spinsterhood because I know what kind of a person I am; and I've long ago quit asking those stupid "why" questions about my non-existent love life and why it doesn't exist.
Because if a guy wasn't interested before, he won't be interested at all. And if he does become interested somehow, he will lose interest quickly. I don't make it easy for people to like me at first impression. I don't act cute, I don't act girly, and I sure as hell am not friendly or talkative enough to hold interest.
Yes. I know all of that.
I just don't know why I do it. I don't know if I'm just uncomfortable with change-- because if one day I do end up finding some guy entering my life in an unheard of way, I know it will be a massive change. I don't know if I'm just being difficult because I'm a self-piteous stubborn girl. Maybe I've just never been able to break out of that introverted, private bubble of mine. Maybe I just don't know how to talk to people and prefer to remain silent otherwise.
Or maybe I'm just some weird and twisted, mentally unstable person who would prefer that life stood still as it is. No new people, no new changes, and no new surprises may make me happier. I like to watch as life happens around me, but I prefer for it not to happen to me. It's as if I'm a viewer, a reader, or a writer and everything that's happening is really just another story unfolding in front of my eyes. And I'm simply sitting there and spectating. There is no need for me to go anywhere and there is no need for me to accept any interruptions.
Am I a little too stubborn in my own ways?
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